Vaudevillain

The Terrible Tea Rex (6)

"Herr Zlo!" Brunhilde shouted in alarm. The woman pulled her leader away from Maximillian's grasping hand. The large appendage swiped into the wall, sending parts of it crumbling. A few captured scientists found their bonds freed and hastily made an escape.

"Brunhilde! This beast is making a mockery of me!" Dr. Zlo shouted. He shook his fist. "I won't stand for it."

"Then, by all means, sit," Maximillian answered.

The NPC reached for Dr. Zlo again, but Brunhilde stood ready. The muscled woman twisted Dr. Zlo out of the way and pulled him down the hallway.

"Brunhilde! Stop manhandling me so I can show this roboticized idiot how a real villain acts!"

"Only vhen ve are out of zhe bazement," she answered. "I vill not 'ave rockz ztriking your zuit."

"Ah," Dr. Zlo looked down at his dusty clothing. "An apt decision."

"Ever the coward, aren't we, Dr. Zlo?" Maximillian taunted.

"Tactical retreats are a legitimate strategy!" Dr. Zlo countered.

Brunhilde tugged Dr. Zlo to the side just in time to dodge a piece of flying rubble. The air buffeted the villain's hair, the only notice he had of the attack.

"How in the blazes did you notice that was coming?" Dr. Zlo asked.

Brunhilde pulled Dr. Zlo out of harm's way as another rock flew at them. "Pleaze, zhis iz notzhing compared to dodging mortar zhellz in zhe Bermuda Triangle."

"When did you have the time to go to the Bermuda Triangle?! Why did you go to the Bermuda Triangle?!"

Brunhilde spun in place and kicked another rock to the side. "A lady never revealz all her zecrets."

A light pierced the cloying darkness of the catacombs, revealing the collapsing ballroom above. Dr. Zlo and Brunhilde sprinted into the glow, the villain blasting off with his rocket shoes. Brunhilde rushed over to a fallen police bot and started pulling the steam pack off the back.

Brunhilde kept an eye on the catacomb's entrance, waiting for Maximillian to arrive while Dr. Zlo looked for Mr. T. An idea had entered Dylan's head. Since Maximillian was now a big mech, what better opponent than a giant dinosaur?

"Mr. T!" The villain shouted. "Have you finished your snack?"

A roar answered, followed by Mr. T walking into the destroyed building with oil on his teeth.

Dr. Zlo made a face. "Remind me to make a toothbrush for you. I can't have my dinosaur with bad teeth."

"I zhink it would give an evil air," Brunhilde said.

Dr. Zlo waved a hand. "If I had a lab coat, maybe. But I'm a crisp and clean villain."

Brunhilde raised an eyebrow and pointed at Dr. Zlo's dusty suit.

"You know that doesn't count," the villain sniffed.

A rumbling interrupted the two's banter.

"Right, let's get this show on the road!" Dr. Zlo laughed.

The villain flew over to Mr. T and jumped onto the dinosaur's back as if it were a horse. "To battle!"

Mr. T roared.

The floor exploded.

Maximillian crawled out of the catacombs with brass hands the size of motorcycles. A chrome body, dusty from the underground, followed behind. Maximillian stood to his full height, barely a tyrannosaurus above Mr. T.

Dr. Zlo looked up at the NPC and scoffed. "You know, normally I'd make a comment about big-headedness, but"

The villain trailed off while looking at the pencil head that was the remnants of Maximillian's old body. For some reason, the NPC hadn't bothered with a protective helmet or anything that would sit proportionally on the robot body. The look reminded Dr. Zlo of those bodybuilders whose steroid use had pushed their heads into their shoulders.

"I am going to enjoy crushing you in my hands," Maximillian seethed.

"What? Those big clumsy things?" Dr. Zlo taunted. "Mr. T and I will be done in ten seconds."

"Und Brunhilde!" the minion shouted.

"And Brunhilde," Dr. Zlo acquiesced.

Maximillian roared and charged, bending low to grab Mr. T by the neck. Mr. T roared in challenge and met the charge with his head.

"Ack!" Dr. Zlo shouted as the two collided. The recoil jostled him down Mr. T's back, almost putting him onto the ground.

"Perhaps a saddle is in order," Dr. Zlo mused.

Mr. T bit down on Maximillian's arm, denting the metal. Maximillian grabbed Mr. T by the neck and threw him off. The dinosaur crashed to the ground, losing the first exchange.

"Mr. T! This behavior is unacceptable!" Dr. Zlo shouted. "You're an apex predator. That means you aren't the one falling down."

Mr. T huffed in protest.

"Don't take that tone with me!" Dr. Zlo countered.

Brunhilde butted in. "Perhapz you zhould 'elp and not critizize?"

The maid blasted a tank of steam at Maximillian, blocking his line of sight while Mr. T got back on his feet.

"Fine. I guess my genius must do everything," Dr. Zlo grumbled.

The villain opened his power while steadily preparing a weakness spell. Maximillian was large enough that the attack should hit. Mr. T charged forward, Dr. Zlo still on his back. At some point, Brunhilde had found a discarded gun and was accurately shooting Maximillian's joints to halt his movements.

The two monstrosities clashed again, but Dr. Zlo unleashed his weakness spell before the collision this time. Hard skull met weakened metal, and the metal lost. Maximilian rocked backward, stumbling. Brunhilde took the chance to fire into the robot's knee joints, bringing Maximillian to the ground, landing on what accounted for the robot's rear end.

"Rip into him, Mr. T!" Dr. Zlo cackled.

Mr. T obliged, his toothy maw grabbing the man's hand and ripping it free. Oil splattered across the broken ballroom, a grisly scene for all mechanical kind.

Dr. Zlo threw his hands up. "Yes! Yes! Rip and tear until it's done!"

"Enough of this!" Maximillian shouted.

Dr. Zlo felt a wave of something push Mr. T off the NPC. Maximillian then motioned, pulling his hand from Mr. T's grasp with the same strange power he used to regenerate the previous robots. The appendage was good as new in a few seconds and had a few additions. The discarded steam tanks from the broken police bots were now fastened to Maximillian's arm like a strange rifle.

"Why do you insist on being a pest," Maximillian growled.

Dr. Zlo placed a hand on his heart in shock. "A pest? A pest! Why, I've been called some names before, but that one takes the cake! Brunhilde, did you hear him?"

"I did."

"How dare he call me a pest! I'm nothing like those cockroaches, leeches, or flies. I'm much more sophisticated."

"I will murder you all the same!" Maximillian said crazily.

"You can try," Dr. Zlo said with narrowed eyes.

Dylan thought fast. He needed something to counter Maximillian's power, or else the fight would never end. Luckily, the NPC had a glaring weak spot in the form of his tiny head. If Mr. T could bite down, the fight would be over. Nothing could recover from a T-rex bite to the head. Well, maybe someone with a regenerator power.

But Maximillian's power only worked on technology. And technology that fit with general convention at that. Therefore, Dylan felt he had a reasonable assumption.

"Alright, Mr. T," Dr. Zlo whispered. "I need you to start aiming for our foe's head. One good bite aught to do it."

Mr. T growled in an affirmative. Dylan wasn't sure how he knew that, but it felt like an affirmative. Mr. T was a lot smarter than expected, likely because Dr. Zlo's power animated the creature.

"Charge!" Dr. Zlo shouted. "Don't give him time to regenerate!"

Mr. T answered the call, eagerly rushing forward. Maximillian shifted his weight, his hands open to meet the charge. Mr. T bit down once he got close, but Maxmillian pushed the strike to one side and punched Mr. T in the chest. The dinosaur rocked backward and tried to use the momentum in a tail swipe. Maximillian jumped back from the blow, then shot a blast of superheated steam with his gun.

Mr. T yowled in pain, his tail turning red.

Dr. Zlo stood and thrust his cane at Maximillian. "Don't you dare cook my dinosaur!"

The villain grabbed a button bomb and hurled it at Maximillian, more to reset the fight than anything else. The explosion created a bit of space for Dr. Zlo and Mr. T, but Maximillian was eager to follow up. Another gout of steam attempted to burn the dinosaur, and Mr. T was put on the back foot.

Dr. Zlo had to think quick. He needed a shield or something to block the steam.

"If only I had my monocle," the villain muttered. He cursed himself for letting it fall in the catacombs.

Perhaps he could make a shield of ice with the materials in his inventory? Dylan knew he had enough junk inside for something that would work.

While the player thought, Mr. T made to move forward. The dinosaur crouched low and swayed out of the way as Maximillian fired at him. Maximillian swung a mechanical elbow once Mr. T moved in, clocking the dinosaur in the jaw. Dr. Zlo felt Mr. T buckle from the blow, but the dinosaur stayed on course and attempted to bite down. Maximillian stopped the bite with his hand.

A metallic crunch was the only indication Dr. Zlo had of Mr. T's attack before the same strange power from before knocked the two back. The villain was forced to take to the sky as Mr. T landed on the ground, dizzy.

"Come on, Mr. T!" Dr. Zlo shouted. "Get up!"

Maximillian aimed his gun at Dr. Zlo and the dinosaur. "Say goodbye to your little friend."

Dr. Zlo turned, his power at the ready to make a shield as Maximillian grinned savagely.

A crack of gunfire interrupted the fight. Maximillian was suddenly still, the steam from his rifle wafting into the air. A second later, the NPC's mechanical body creaked and fell to the ground, kicking up a cloud of dust. When it settled, Dr. Zlo saw Maximillain's head on the ground, unscrewed from the giant mech body with a bullet between his eyes.

"I pity zhe fool," Brunhilde said, walking up beside Dr. Zlo.

The villain whirled in surprise. In Brunhilde's hands was a long rifle.

"Did you just shoot him?" Dr. Zlo asked.

Brunhilde nodded. "He made it zo eazy too. Vhat kind of idiot doezn't have a helmet or zomething."

Dr. Zlo stomped a foot. "Brunhilde! That's twice you've made this fight anticlimactic!"

Brunhilde raised an eyebrow. "Vhat?"

"I mean, I ignored it the first time because we got that second phase," Dr. Zlo said. "I was in a heated battle, and then you come from nowhere and just end it right there! And then, just when I was about to craft a grand steam shield to block the blow and recover Mr. T, you decided to shoot him between the eyes!"

Brunhilde huffed. "Hiz fault for making it eazy. I don't know vhy you blame me vhen you chooze bad nemeziz."

"Wha--! Bad enemies?!"

"Da."

"Don't just, 'da,' me!" Dr. Zlo complained. "I was supposed to have a giant, intense fight, and you just ended it! Haven't you heard of dramatic tension?"

"Da."

"Would you stop that?!"

Brunhilde rolled her eyes. "Zo upzet. Look on zhe brightzide. You ztill have a dinosaur. Und now you have a giant mech zuit. Bezt of both worlds!"

Dr. Zlo narrowed his eyes. "I know what you're doing. You're trying to distract me."

Brunhilde pulled out a stick of dynamite. "I mean. If you don't vant the zuit. I can destroy it"

"No, that's quite alright," Dr. Zlo grumbled. "Go get Cass to bring the car around."

"Of courze," Brunhilde bowed.

Mr. T shook his head and stood as Brunhilde walked away. He looked down at Maximillian's unscrewed head and quickly chomped down. Dr. Zlo flinched from the metallic crunching.

"That is worse than nails on a chalkboard."

Mr. T placed his head in front of Dr. Zlo with a "praise me" expression.

"Yes, yes. You did very well," Dr. Zlo said, obliging. He petted Mr. T on the snout. "Next time, we'll make sure you can deal with all the surprises. I'm talking robo arms, top hats, and possibly sonic weaponry!"

Mr. T tilted his head.

"You're right," Dr. Zlo said with a wave of his hand. "No sonic weaponry. Got the idea from you eating Maximillian, but I don't think we should subject anyone's ears to such terror. Besides, a sonic attack means that our foes can't hear us gloat! We can't have that, can we?"

Mr. T huffed, his nostrils flaring in agreement.

Dr. Zlo turned to look at the sky. "Now, what to do next?"