Vaudevillain

Dr. Zlo - The Musical! (1)

We start with a picture of an idyllic city sitting on a pile of white clouds in the sky. The screen zooms in, revealing a gleaming city of perfect proportions and happy townsfolk. Then, things dip below the streets, uncovering a grimy undercity of seedy character. Things zoom out again until they focus on a sizeable gothic mansion nestled between twisting apartments. A garden surrounds the estate as we push through to the front door. Inside, a gaggle of faceless androgynous humanoids in suits walk about performing various tasks. One of them walks in front and grabs the screen, twisting it around to reveal another humanoid who carried it in. It's now apparent that this view comes from a camera as the faceless humanoid turns and walks down a set of stairs. The screen goes black.

The scene opens with curtains in front of the set. The curtains open to show Jacques preparing Dr. Zlo's mansion set. Scattered pieces of half-built furniture can be seen along with partly painted sets. Panicking, two Jacques grab the edges of the curtain and close it back. The sounds of hammering and drilling are heard behind the set for a moment before the curtains open once more, this time revealing Dr. Zlo's lair. The villain walks out on stage and sits down in the chair prepared for him. To his side is Cass and in front of him is Quartet. Quartet looks disheveled, while Dr. Zlo has an imperious sneer.

Dr. Zlo

So, Quartet. What failure have you come to report this time?

Quartet

Quartet Gulps. Boss, I swear this wasn't my fault! The Jacques, they

Dr. Zlo fires the laser embedded in his monocle (A laser pointer for the frugal), silencing Quartet.

Dr. Zlo

Excuses! You were tasked with bringing me those plans! Don't pin your failures on others.

At this time, three Jacques enter from the left. Each one is nursing a different wound, their faceless heads wincing as they walk. One is holding onto a hammer but quickly throws it away when another Jacques points it out.

Quartet

Holding out an arm in protest. Oh come on! It's obvious that they're faking those wounds! You know they can't get hurt like that! One of them has an eyepatch on!

The Jacques with the eyepatch quickly picks it up and moves it over to where the other eye would be on its faceless head.

Quartet

It's not a matter of which eye is hurt, Jacques!

Dr. Zlo

Sighing. Oh, Quartet. It isn't a matter of the Jacques faking injury. It's a matter of you blaming them for your failures. It seems I have no choice but to punish you!

Dr. Zlo cackles and gestures to Cass. The butler pulls out a remote from under his suit coat and places it in Dr. Zlo's waiting hand.

Dr. Zlo (cont.)

Now, I've been wanting to test this out for a while, and what better subject than someone already attuned with music!

As Dr. Zlo presses the button, a large blue box appears in front, lowered down on cables slightly haphazardly. It reads:

A dastardly invention by Dr. Zlo! When used, this crazed piece of technology causes abrupt bursts of song in moments of high emotion.

Blame it on Rain - Villi Manilli (1)

Violinist on the Roof (1)

Broadway Programme (1)

Bass Speaker (1)

Sciencium (15g)

As the screen is pulled up, the injured Jacques from before roll in an oblong speaker, their wound dressings falling apart as they walk.

Dr. Zlo

Behold! The AutoTuner! With this, you'll be forced into song whenever you get upset!

Cass

Holds up a hand. Um, boss? If you don't mind me asking. Why make this?

Dr. Zlo

Whirling around to face his butler. Do you remember flash mobs, Cass?

Cass

Can't say that I do, boss.

Dr. Zlo

They were impromptu events crafted by artists. Often in places of high traffic. One person would usually start singing or dancing independently, only to be joined by progressively more people.

Dr. Zlo grabs Cass by the shoulders and thrusts a hand out.

Now, imagine if we could harness that power! No bank would be safe, no secret lab protected! Why, we'd never have to worry about a distraction again!

Cass

I'm not getting it, boss.

Dr. Zlo

Sighing. The AutoTuner will cause a distraction whenever we need to leave, thus making it simple for us to grab what we want and go.

A light above Cass brightens.

Cass

Oh! I get it!

Dr. Zlo

Precisely, Cass! Now, watch as Quartet is subjected to my newest invention! Muahahaha!

Dr. Zlo presses the button on the remote. Instantly, a deep bass echoes across the room, reverberating through everyone inside.

Cass

Um, boss!? Is it supposed to do this?

Dr. Zlo

The top-hatted villain looks at his invention, only now realizing that he never added a focus to it. Everything's fine, Cass!

The bass fills the room, drowning out all other sounds. The Jacques run around like chickens with their heads cut off. Two of them smack into each other in their panic. Suddenly, as quickly as it started, the bass ends. Things are quiet for a few seconds until Cass finally gathers the courage to speak.

Cass

So. What happened?

Dr. Zlo

The villain places a hand on his mustache in contemplation. You know. I'm not actually sure. I built the device to cause uncontrollable singing in those who heard it. Though, I don't feel affected at all.

At this time, Brunhilde opens the door and walks into the room.

Brunhilde

Herr Zlo! It'z terrible! Your Jacquez have failed!

Dr. Zlo

Turning in surprise. What? No!

Brunhilde

Yez! They vere on their vay back vhen Valiant attacked!

Dr. Zlo

And what of the package, Brunhilde?

A tune starts to play; quietly at first.

Brunhilde

Zhe ice cream for your plan haz melted!

Dr. Zlo

No!

Brunhilde

Yez!

The music picks up, brass instruments and drums start to play a jaunty tune. The sound is almost circuslike in nature, but with more fanfare. Dr. Zlo's voice starts to take on a humming quality, as if he wants to sing but is holding back. The music, in turn, starts and stops as the man speaks.

Dr. Zlo

Curse that Valiant.

That hero.

That wretch!

Once again my plans

are foiled and tossed

to the bin like~ garbage.

As Dr. Zlo finishes, Brunhilde and Cass chime in, both somewhat confused at Dr. Zlo's energy but willing to follow along.

Brunhilde and Cass

Garbage!

Dr. Zlo

Is it too much to ask for success?

Just once!

Dr. Zlo turns to Quartet, almost as if his question is directed at the minion. Quartet splits into four and starts to sing in harmony. The music follows along.

Quartet

Perhaps if the plans were better

Dr. Zlo shoots Quartet with his laser, causing the music to cut out. One of Quartet's bodies falls to the ground, vanishing. Things are silent as Dr. Zlo glares at his minion. The quiet holds for a beat before Dr. Zlo turns back toward the screen in a grand sweeping motion. The music jumps in with him as a spotlight activates.

Dr. Zlo

Alll I~, want is to win!

All I want is to show!

That a villain like me is unmatched!

Brunhilde & Cass

We know!

Dr. Zlo

Is it too much to ask

for my day in the sun?

One victory! One victory! Just one!

The Jacques march up behind Dr. Zlo, taking his grand throne away as he rockets off (on wires for those with limited funds). Once the throne is out of the way, the Jacques start to dance in the background, attempting to mimic Dr. Zlo's flying dance.

Dr. Zlo

Yessss A victory is all I want!

Brunhilde & Cass

All he wants!

Dr. Zlo

Just one small little victory will do!

Brunhilde & Cass

One will do!

Dr. Zlo

I want my day in the sun

to have my fun

and attention!

One victory! One victory! Just one!

Dr. Zlo alights next to Quartet, grabbing the minion by the hands and leading him in a dance.

Dr. Zlo

I~ come~ up~ with~

plans upon plans

For world domination!

My genius unmatched! Peers jealous of~ my~ sta~tion!

But it seems when I unleash

Some ravenous beast! Or villainous gas! Or ru~in~ous~ gad~get~!

A hero arrives

To spoil my surprise

And causes me consternation!

You see Valiant arrives, so annoyingly alive!

And~ all~ my~ plans~ nose~dive~!

Dr. Zlo holds the note as he dips Quartet low, dropping him as he finishes. Dr. Zlo then flies back into the air, the music picking up again.

Dr. Zlo

The ravenous beast?

Brunhilde & Cass

Deceased!

Dr. Zlo

The villainous gas?

Brunhilde & Cass

Falls flat!

Dr. Zlo

The ruinous gadget?

Brunhilde & Cass

Never had it!

Dr. Zlo holds for a time, rocketing back to the sky and dancing around his minions. The jaunty tune continues as the villain sways to the beat. A bit later, Dr. Zlo finishes his dance with a grand spin. His rocket boots create a trail of smoke that obscures the villain in a silhouette. Dr. Zlo steps out of the smoke with his arms wide and a booming voice.

Dr. Zlo

Yes! All my plans go awry with that hero in the sky!

So is it too much to ask just one time?

All I want is to have fun with my day in the sun!

One victory! One Victory! Just one!

The song ends with Dr. Zlo in the air, breathing heavily from his dancing. Quartet's three remaining bodies are still in the center of the room, cowering even more than before. Cass and Brunhilde are next to each other at the steps leading up, surprised at their outbursts. The only ones who don't seem surprised are the Jacques, who are still actively trying to recreate Dr. Zlo's dance moves with varying degrees of success.

Dr. Zlo

Straightening his tie. Well, I think we can safely say that the device works. Now, Jacques!

The various minions turn to Dr. Zlo.

Dr. Zlo

Store this invention for safekeeping. While I don't plan on using it yet, making someone break into song would be the perfect distraction!

The Jacques salute and quickly dance over to the machine, pushing it off to the side.

Dr. Zlo

Now. Where were we? Oh yes! Brunhilde, you said Valiant intervened?

Brunhilde

Yez, Herr Zlo! The hero appeared vhen the Jacques vere loading up zhe ice cream truck vith the chocolate fudge brownie.

Dr. Zlo

Blast it! That was vital to our plans! How are we supposed to convince a chocolate-loving gang to help us if we don't have their favorite flavor! Again Valiant has gotten in my way!

Brunhilde

All iz not lozt, Herr Zlo! Ve ztill have zhe Rocky Road!

Dr. Zlo

The villain scoffs. It'll have to do. Come on, Cass! We have treats to deliver!

Cass

Coming, boss!

Cass and Dr. Zlo step out of the scene. Quartet sighs in relief, merging his bodies together. Brunhilde shakes her head, then hoists Quartet up with a hand and walks off-screen with him in tow. With no one left to see, the Jacques finish their dance moves then secretly haul the Autotuner after Dr. Zlo. The lights go dark.