Vaudevillain

I Mustache You a Question (12)

Valiant rolled out of the way of the beam, firing his own at Dr. Zlo as he came out of the dodge. White static traveled through the air, forcing Dr. Zlo to fly to the right. Valiant instantly followed up with a shot from his grapple gun, attempting to wrap it around Dr. Zlo. In desperation, the villain shot his Zero Kelvin Beam at the rope, somehow hitting the projectile as it flew forward.

The rope glowed blue and frayed at the edges, aging in seconds. Valiant cursed, but the hero's luck hadn't run out just yet. The metal hook on the end of the rope still flew true, the metal rusted but otherwise unchanged. It clocked Dr. Zlo on the head, knocking the man's monocle from his eye.

"What?!" Dr. Zlo cried.

"F*ck yeah!" Valiant shouted in excitement. He rushed at Dr. Zlo, pulling out the adhesive cuffs from his belt. The hero unleashed the shackles with a throw, using them like bolas. They spun through the air on a path toward Dr. Zlo.

The villain jerked out of the way at the last second, narrowly avoiding the sticky substance on the end of the cuffs. Valiant didn't waste time, however, and followed up by dashing at the villain. With a mighty leap, Valiant reached for Dr. Zlo, grabbing the villain's shoe and pulling him down. But before the hero could use his power, Dr. Zlo tossed his hat in the man's face, activating the drone.

An angry buzzing filled Valiant's ears, and the hero was forced to release Dr. Zlo in order to deal with the man's drone. It was a quick application of his power, but the time it took allowed Dr. Zlo to escape Valiant's range.

"You'll pay for that!" Dr. Zlo shouted.

"For what? Breaking a hat you threw at me?" Valiant countered.

"No, for this!"

Dr. Zlo dropped his button bombs, letting them fall around Valiant in a ring. They landed with a soft plinking noise, alerting the hero to danger. Valiant instantly dove behind some chairs, putting his shield up between him and the sound. The explosion rocked the Palace Theater, upending the bolted chairs like popcorn. Fire washed over the area, setting the various upholsteries on fire.

Valiant coughed and waved away the dust as black smoke oozed toward the ceiling. He looked around; Dr. Zlo was nowhere in sight. Suspecting a surprise attack, the hero rushed to the theater's entrance, putting the entire room in his vision. Sure enough, he found Dr. Zlo on the stage, standing angrily over his destroyed invention.

"Do you know how long it took me to come up with the Shave-O-Tron?!" the villain yelled to Valiant.

"Like, two hours?" Valiant yelled back tauntingly.

"The question was rhetorical! But I don't expect a hero to know that," Dr. Zlo sighed.

"Oh, don't get upset because I foiled your plan again!" Valiant argued.

Dr. Zlo halted, taking in a deep breath. He hacked out a puff of smoke a second later, realizing too late the issue with deep breathing in a fire.

"Ahem," Dr. Zlo said, steadying himself after his mistake. "Oh, I'm not angry! Upset, sure. But who wouldn't be after their grandiose plan failed so spectacularly! No, I blame myself for this. Next time, I shall make a machine that rivals even heroes!"

Valiant rolled his eyes. "Enough with the speeches. Get over here so we can finish our fight!"

"Alas!" Dr. Zlo cried. "It seems our encounter will have to end without a clear victor today, Valiant! I have a prior engagement with people of the utmost importance."

"What? No! Get over here!" Valiant shouted, rushing toward Dr. Zlo.

"Not to worry!" the villain said. "I'll leave you with a little gift. Roosevelt!"

Valiant paused as he saw a swarm of teddy bears rush out from behind the stage.

"When did you get a chance to plan this!" He complained.

"A villain never reveals his secrets!" Dr. Zlo shouted as he ran backstage.

In truth, Dylan had these minions sitting in his inventory the whole time, waiting to pull them out for his grand escape. The little bears weren't like the Jacques or even his intelligent mice. In fact, they weren't even minions, at least not according to the game. No, the Roosevelt Minis were robotic in nature, meant to seek out heroes in the area and smother them under their cuddliness. It wouldn't work against Valiant, not with the hero's disintegration power, but it would buy time for Dr. Zlo to make his escape.

Dr. Zlo threw open the door, exiting into the alley behind the Palace Theater. Cass stood waiting next to Dr. Zlo's Zlomobile, the butler dutifully opening the passenger doors as Dr. Zlo came closer.

"Thank you, Cass," Dr. Zlo said, sliding his cane into the seat over.

"My pleasure, boss," Cass answered.

The minion shut the door, then made his way over to the driver's seat. A moment later, the Zlomobile was off, driving off into the streets of Angeli. Quartet sat up front, his body a touch out of shape from Valiant's power. Losing one of his clones left the rest of him a bit off-kilter.

"Better luck next time. Eh, boss?" Cass asked, trying to make small talk in the quiet car.

"Indeed," Dr. Zlo said. "I underestimated the strength of others with mustaches. Though, it stands to reason they would be so powerful."

"Why's that, boss?" Cass asked, more to continue the conversation than anything. Cass knew what Dr. Zlo would say next.

"Because they had mustaches, Cass," Dr. Zlo said predictably. "Why else?"

"You're right, boss," Cass said.

"You should have thought of it before the crime," Quartet grumbled under his breath.

"Well then, Quartet. Next time, you can make the plan for our grand mustache caper," Dr. Zlo said.

"What?" Quartet asked in surprise.

"Oh yes. Since you think you know how to run a scheme better than I, I'll allow you to plan our next one. Just know that if it fails, the consequences will be severe."

Dr. Zlo leaned back in his seat, pressing the drink button on the armrest beside him. A martini glass rose from a panel next to him. A nozzle appeared a moment later, releasing its contents into the glass. Once it finished, a small arm came out from the panel below, holding a toothpicked olive in its tiny gloved hand. It lay the food over the glass, then motioned for Dr. Zlo to take the drink.

The villain did so, eyeing Quartet's facial expression after he relayed the news. Sure enough, his minion held equal looks of excitement and terror, the two emotions warring on his face. Quartet most likely saw the chance to run a crime as his big break but also dreaded the possible consequences for failure.

Dylan thought about what to do to Quartet when the minion failed his mission. He would fail, of course. That wasn't in doubt. Quartet had too large an ego to not fail on the mission. Either he would upset the Jacques in some way, go for a prize just out of reach, or find some other way to ruin the plan. Maybe he could do the "you have failed me for the last time" trope that was so popular with evil villains. But that would mean having to make a new Quartet again. No, much better to find some other punishment and save the trope for later.

"I won't fail you, boss," Quartet said after minutes of deliberation.

"I'm sure you won't," Dr. Zlo said. He took a sip of his drink and made a face. "Cass, remind me to calibrate the Zlomobile again. Something about this drink is off. I think the car used a splash of motor oil or something."

"Sure, boss," Cass lied. He wasn't about to let some machine take over his role as butler for Dr. Zlo.

"A sour note to a sour crime," Dr. Zlo said as he opened the window to pour out his drink. "At least there's some silver lining to all of this."

"What's that, boss?" Cass asked.

"Why, we have footage, of course," Dr. Zlo answered. "Now, we can edit it together and broadcast it to show everyone the power of the mustache!"

"Should I take us to the nearest broadcasting station then, boss?" Cass questioned.

"No, bring us home," Dr. Zlo said. "We'll need to edit this. Remember, Cass. Propaganda is half the battle."

"Sure, boss," Cass answered. The minion pressed a button on the Zlomobile, activating the car's teleport function. Moments later, Dr. Zlo and his entourage were back in his hideout, the car resting idly on a raised platform.

"I think next time, the Shave-O-Tron should be a bit more aggressive," Dr. Zlo said.