Vaudevillain

I Mustache You A Question (8)

"Only one more question to go before the end of the first round!" Dr. Zlo announced. He turned to the crowd, "Are you all excited?"

Cheering erupted from the seats.

"Our last question is for that grand leader, Freddy!"

The words on the television spun in place, replaced a second later by the new prompt.

"Tell us, Freddy, which mustache here would win a beauty pageant?"

"I cannot stand this farce any longer," the man said.

"Ooh, so sorry, Freddy," Dr. Zlo said in his cheesiest game show voice, "but the correct answer was Rollie's mustache. That's a point off for you!"

The buzzer sounded, and a large X appeared over the politician.

"This is not a rule of the people," Freddy continued, his body straining against the ropes. "This here is a dictatorship!"

"Now, Freddy," Dr. Zlo said. "Don't overexert yourself. It would be a shame if you hurt something."

"You might try to break my body, sir. But you will never break this man's spirit!"

The ropes snapped, freeing Freddy from their grasp. Dr. Zlo's eyes widened in surprise at the move.

"Mabel!" the villain shouted. "I need you!"

"Hon, you know I'm always here for you," Mabel said, appearing on the stage. She turned to Freddy, who was stomping toward Dr. Zlo with determination in his eyes. "Be a dear and calm down for momma, would you?"

The words seemed to impact Freddy, but the man kept walking. Mabel frowned, trying again.

"I said, be a dear, and calm down."

Again Freddy registered the words, but again the man didn't stop. He continued on his path to Dr. Zlo, a fire in his eyes as he marched.

"The spirit of the people is too strong for your wicked ways!" the politician boasted.

"Well, Ladies and Gentlemen, it seems we'll have to take a quick commercial break!" Dr. Zlo said. "One of our esteemed contestants is growing unruly."

Dr. Zlo made a cutting motion with his hand, signaling to the Jacques. Up in the catwalks above, the various minions scurried about, working on the lighting and sound as Dr. Zlo performed. With the man's signal, they all stopped in the dash and leaped off the catwalk, landing in front of Dr. Zlo like a team of trained paratroopers. Or they would have if the last Jacques hadn't landed flat on his face.

"Get up and take him out already!" Dr. Zlo commanded. "He's ruining the show!"

The Jacques nodded, striding forward like street thugs about to mug a man. The first Jacques walked up and leaned forward, attempting to intimidate Freddy. It was then the minion noticed the man stood a few heads higher. The Jacques slowly looked up to see the politician looking down on it, the man's mustache twitching in anger. The Jacques gulped, then sheepishly shrugged before brushing off the man's jacket and backing up to his companions.

"Get him already!" Dr. Zlo yelled, his voice deadly.

The Jacques all looked at each other, then nodded as one. All of them charged at the president, pulling out various pieces of stage equipment from some impossible space. Freddy scoffed, striding forward and cracking his knuckles.

The first Jacques swung his makeshift weapon, a sandbag, at the man. Freddy caught it in one hand, squeezing lightly. The sandbag burst open, spilling its contents onto the floor. The Jacques stared in horror, retreating from the intimidating tactic.

The second Jacques circled behind Freddy, swinging a two-by-four plank at the man's head. A resounding crack! rang through the Palace theater and the Jacques puffed out its chest in pride. It pulled its weapon back for a second strike and noticed the beam had shrunk noticeably. Confused, the Jacques stared at the wooden plank and then glimpsed another just like it laying on the ground.

Understanding flashed through the Jacques faceless features before a hand shot out and grabbed it by the neck. Freddy looked at the minion, his hat lopsided and anger in his eyes.

"This is my favorite hat," the man said.

The Jacques found itself sailing through the air, where it crashed stage right into a pile of instruments. Dizzily, the minion stood, only to fall a second later into the drums.

"Encore!" Rollie shouted.

Dr. Zlo glared at the captive, shutting the man up.

The third and fourth Jacques took a look at each other, nodding after a second and charging Freddy at the same time. One held a microphone in hand, swinging it around by the cord like a flail. The other held a mic stand, sticking it out like a spear to keep Freddy down while its companion beat on him. Freddy scoffed, grabbing the flailing microphone by the cord and letting it wrap around his enormous fist. The Jacques tried to pull the mic free, but Freddy yanked back, sending the Jacques flying into the air.

Freddy whipped the Jacques around, using him like the minion used the microphone to swing into the other Jacques. The two minions collided, flying into the seats below. The mic stand clattered on the ground as Freddy unwound the mic from his hand.

There was only one Jacques left now. It stood, trembling before Freddy as the man walked forward in confidence. Shakily, the Jacques held out a floodlight it had pulled from the catwalk, holding it out like a shield. Freddy confidently walked forward until he came face to face with the minion, his mustache tickling the Jacques' forehead.

"Boo," Freddy said.

The Jacques rolled back, falling onto the floor unconscious.

"Useless!" Dr. Zlo cried. "How can none of you stop a single captive!"

Quartet stepped forward, his face confident. This was the moment to get back on Dr. Zlo's good side. This was the moment to show Dr. Zlo how powerful Quartet could be. And once the villain started trusting Quartet with more, the minion could finally undermine his boss's operations and become the leader!

"I'll get him, boss," Quartet said as his body split.

Freddy kept his marching pace, soon coming into range of Quartet.

"Hello," a Quartet started.

"Hello," sang the second.

"Hello," boomed the third.

"Hellooo."

The last Quartet harmonized with the rest, and Dr. Zlo watched as the stage tore to pieces, plank by plank. The destruction made its way to Freddy, catching the politician in its whirlwind. Wooden planks and electric wires struck the man, pushing him back towards his chair.

"And goooodbyeeee," sang the Quartets.

The whirlwind of destruction around Freddy escalated, pulling in the Jacques discarded weapons and a few more stray planks. Freddy's body disappeared under the assault, the man's mustache the only thing visible. Then, the whirlwind exploded outward all at once, sending the various pieces of debris out across the palace.

"How's that?" Quartet said, turning away from the politician and reforming. "Enough to give me a better position?"

"Quartet" Dr. Zlo started.

Quartet interrupted, "It doesn't have to be anything big, mind you. Just something better than being the frontline errand boy."

"Quartet" Dr. Zlo said again, stronger this time.

"Okay, I can still be the errand boy, but give me a few Jacques to work with next time."

"Quartet!" Dr. Zlo shouted. But it was too late.

A hand clamped down on Quartet's head, turning the minion back around to face Freddy. The minion's attack had battered Freddy's body, but the only visible damage was on the man's clothes. His Rough Rider cavalry outfit had torn at the sleeves, and the man's cowboy hat had blown off, exposing a mess of windswept hair.

"The will of the people will not be denied," Freddy growled.

The politician reared back, Quartet still in his arms, and threw the minion into the catwalks above. Dr. Zlo heard a clattering as his minion landed, and the sparks that fell from the roof signified Quartet had hit something electric.

"You are a much tougher captive than I expected," Dr. Zlo said.

"You messed with the wrong politician, that's all," Freddy said, cracking his knuckles as he walked to Dr. Zlo.

Before Dr. Zlo's former captive could reach the villain, Mabel stepped between them.

"I don't appreciate being ignored," Mabel said. "Especially not from a fine specimen such as yourself."

"Madam, as much as I'd hate to hit a woman, especially one as elderly as yourself, I will not hesitate if it means erasing corruption from this planet."

"Aw, you're going to make Momma blush," Mabel said.

The woman raised her purse, pulling out a small bottle in the process.

"But don't you worry," Mabel said. "Momma can take care of herself."

Freddy started with a quick jab, intending to knock Mabel off her feet so he could continue his march toward Dr. Zlo. But the woman was ready for the attack, catching the blow with her purse and slipping under Freddy's fist. Mabel then pointed the bottle toward Freddy and pressed on the nozzle at the top. A fine mist shot toward Freddy's face, blinding the man with Mabel's can of mace.

"Ah!" Freddy cried out in pain.

"Don't worry, dear," Mabel said. "It'll be over soon."

Mabel continued the attack with her purse, activating the sonic pulse inside. Freddy flew into the air, propelled by the sonic boom coming from Mabel's bag. He landed a foot away from the minion, his body crashing through the already broken stage. Mabel stowed the can of mace, turning to the Jacques who had just made their way back to Dr. Zlo.

"You boys go pick up our captive," Mabel said to the Jacques. "I assume he's going to need a bit of help.