Vaudevillain

The Terrible Tea Rex (2)

This is outrageous! Dr. Zlo complained. They look like giant chickens! How are giant chickens supposed to be threatening?!

They still have teeth, and that tail, Sweet Dream pointed out.

Dr. Zlo whirled, somehow matching the dinosaurs tail as it swept aside more guard robots. That isnt the point! I wanted terrible lizards, not birds! This ruins all my plans.

Sweet Dream rolled her eyes. So you got dangerous birds and not lizards. Big deal. They do the same thing.

Its about the aesthetic, Dr. Zlo sniffed. Something I wouldnt expect a candy hog like yourself to know.

Sweet Dream lobbed a ball of chocolate at the villain. Candy queen, thank you very much! Ill have you know my taste is exquisite!

I cant believe the two of you are arguing in the middle of a crime, A third voice said.

Who said that?! Dr. Zlo shouted. He whirled, Show yourself, coward!

A brass man stepped down the stairs flanked on both sides by more clockwork guards. The first thing to draw Dr. Zlos eye was a rather peculiar black bow tie that shone like a rainbow in the light. It sat below a well-trimmed goatee that glistened in almost the same oily fashion.

Maximillian Gears, the man bowed as he reached the stairs. So pleased to make your acquaintance. To what do I owe the pleasure of one of the worlds most renowned villains?

Dr. Zlo straightened as Maximillian stroked his ego. Why you can see them in front of you! Reanimated dinosaurs! Loyal to me and quite fierce.

Their size is rather intimidating, the brass man agreed. However, I cant help but notice youve used our fossils for such a project. That violates many of Victiss laws, you know. However, I am willing to let things slide as long as you agree to compensate for this transgression.

Maximillian stared greedily at the dinosaurs. Perhaps by handing over these magnificent creatures?

You dare try to steal from me? Dr. Zlo boomed.

On the contrary, Maximillians voice grew low. It is you who dares to steal from me. You will find I am not like those upright heroes. Im more than willing to get down and dirty.

Your threats wont work on a master criminal! Dr. Zlo shouted, blasting Maximillian with his monocle laser. An automaton guard stepped in front of the brass man, blocking the blow with its body.

Guards, get them, Maximillian said lazily.

The automatons charged, their brass weapons swinging in pendulous arcs as they moved. The dinosaurs roared in challenge, only for the robots to ignore them and rush at Dr. Zlo. The villain scoffed at the sight, blasting the nearest machines with his monocle.

Zlo, we need to get out of here! Sweet Dream shouted. Heroes could be here any minute!

Maximillian looked at the villains. No, dont go. Stay for tea. I insist.

Dr. Zlo watched in amazement as Maximillians eyes glowed and the scattered machines reformed. Once again, a sea of machines stood in Dr. Zlos way.

The villain growled in frustration. I see you want to play dirty! Fine! Two can play at that game!

Dr. Zlo pointed at his dinosaurs. Unless you want to go back to being rattling bones, I suggest the both of you listen. Break the wall behind us to give us an escape route.

The tyrannosauruss roared in begrudging agreement, their heavy stomps taking them to the wall.

You wouldnt dare! Maximillian shouted. There are priceless artifacts on these walls!

Well then, I hope you have good insurance! Dr. Zlo cackled.

The two dinosaurs slammed into the wall cracking and shattering it to pieces. NPC citizens behind the wall screamed in surprise at the two dinosaurs as they stepped through. Dr. Zlo followed a moment later, blasting the nearby automatons away as he rocketed out. Sweet Dream squelched behind, shifting in and out of her chocolate form to gain momentum.

Thats a new trick, Dr. Zlo said.

Turns out I keep momentum whenever I switch, Sweet Dream said. Which means when I end up small my speed increases.

Excellent! Now, time to make our escape! You two!

Dr. Zlo pointed at the two dinos.

Break down the doors leading out, and well make our grand escape!

The villain pointed to an emergency exit that seemed to lead to an employee parking garage.

The Rexs roared in agreement and charged the exit, busting through the doors with their skulls. Dr. Zlo laughed at the destruction and followed, making sure to break a few more robots in the process.

The dinosaurs and villains ran through the parking garage and up the ramp leading out, appearing on a busy street.

You better have a plan to escape, Dr. Zlo, Sweet Dream said as she stared at the whizzing cars.

I always have a plan! the villain rebutted.

Dr. Zlo opened up his inventory and activated his power, searching for components that would let him shrink or hide his newest minions. The random assortment of items in his spatial storage shrunk down until only a few remained, creating his newest invention.

Ever wanted that slimming treatment all the magazine models have? Well, now you can! One blast from the folderizer will make the target thin as paper and just as foldable! Perfect for storing any large minions!

File Cabinet (1)

Sheet of Paper (1)

Iron (1)

Origami Calendar (1)

Sciencium (100g)

The materials in the villains inventory whirled out, collapsing together to form a filing cabinet-shaped gun that fit snugly in Dr. Zlos hands. He aimed the weapon at his dinosaurs and fired.

A white beam erupted from the guns barrel, striking the animated fossils and basking them in a parchment glow. The world seemed to shift around the monsters as if someone had decided to take scissors and cut them from the world. The two dinosaurs three dimensions shrank until Dr. Zlo and Sweet Dream were left with two colossal side profiles of the tyrannical lizards.

Quickly now, fold them up! Dr. Zlo commanded as he rocketed over to the flattened minion. Sweet Dream followed, and the two players quickly folded the minions up until they could each carry one.

Now to make our grand escape! Dr. Zlo laughed.

A blast of energy struck the villain in the back, sending him reeling into an oncoming car. The villain winced as his health depleted but recovered enough to see Maximillian walking out with a robot almost as large as the dinosaurs. A series of glass tubes holding electricity ran around the robot, sending sparks arcing toward the ground every few seconds.

A cheap blow! Dr. Zlo shouted. But I guess thats what one expects from a fellow villain! Its a shame you wont be able to catch me! Your inventions are far too antiquated.

Maximillian frowned at the rib. You think yourself a genius inventor, Dr. Zlo. We both know that isnt the case. The contraptions you devise lack artistry and finesse, and will never be anything more than cheap party tricks for onlookers.

Dr. Zlo stared daggers at the other man. Huffing, the villain straightened his hat and tie before rocketing up above the villain. Your paltry goading will not taunt me into foolish attacks today, Maximillian! But know that I dont take insults lightly. Once I have completed my grand plan, youre next!

Maximillian only looked at his large automaton and gestured with his head. That was all the signal the robot needed. Dr. Zlo watched as the contraption marched forward, crushing parked carriages underfoot without a care for who was inside. A lance of electricity flew at Dr. Zlo as the machine moved, the villain dodging by a hairsbreadth. The monocled villain growled as the electricity made his hair stand on end and retaliated with a disintegration beam from his magical cane. The robot sparked as the blast shot right through, breaking the delicate internal components and sending violent shocks of lighting across the street. A few struck various other automatons, which shattered to pieces from the assault.

Dr. Zlo looked around for Sweet Dream but found that the villainess had already taken the Zlomobile and escaped, her folded dinosaur stuck to the top of the car with melted chocolate.

Sweet Dream! If I so much as see a drop of chocolate on my leather seats, I will freeze you in a candy shell and blast you into orbit!

With those words, Dr. Zlo rocketed off after his vehicle, leaving Maximillian to stare angrily as he went.

Find out everything you can about this, Dr. Zlo, Maximillian growled at an approaching assistant. I will not let some fashionless upstart with an ego the size of a planet come in here and ruin the delicate balance weve worked so hard to achieve.

That man shall rue the day that he dared to insult me! Dr. Zlo shouted as he made his way into the mansion.

Brunhilde stood in the foyer, the thugs from earlier behind her. All of them bowed as Dr. Zlo charged inside, Brunhilde offering to take the villains hat and coat.

One thing at a time, Sweet Dream chided. Youve got the dinosaurs, and now we can begin our plan.

But you dont understand! Dr. Zlo shouted. The villain placed his hat and cane in Burnhildes hands as he argued. Maximillian dared to insult my genius! Cheap party tricks! He called them. The only thing cheap about me is my underhandedness! I can not let that man get away with this insult!

Then invite him to your soiree or something. But dont you dare change the plan.

Dr. Zlo snapped his fingers, Yes! Perfect! Ill show that two-bit museum owner what genius truly is! Brunhilde! How goes the party preparations?

Zhe Zervants are ready for inzpection, Herr Zlo, answered Brunhilde with a bow. The brick wall of a woman moved to the side for Dr. Zlo to inspect the thugs, placing his hat and cane on the coat rack nearby as she did.

Hmmm Dr. Zlo said, idly twirling his mustache. I see that youve given them ascots. Any particular reason?

Vell, I felt it vas a good idea vhen you are tryink to imprezz gueztz from Victiz, the minion answered.

The thugs had gotten a thorough makeover from Brunhilde, as the minion had spared no expense in making sure the former gangsters looked presentable. The soot and grime of the streets had been scrubbed away, leaving rosy red cheeks almost cherubic in their luster. The tattered brown jackets had been replaced with black suitcoats with a silver trim the color of Dr. Zlos monocle. A pair of black trousers matched the coat, and Oxford shoes the color of night sat on their feet. Red ascots rested on the collars of pearl shirts, matching the red-laced pearl gloves on the thugs hands.

Regal, yet intimidating, Dr. Zlo stated. I approve!

There should at least be some pink or something, Sweet Dream complained. Or maybe candy swirl buttons.

Dr. Zlo sniffed in contempt, You keep those unintimidatory colors away from my minions!

Oh, come on, how about a candy glass flower? Colored pink.

Do that on your dinosaur minion, Dr. Zlo stated.

You mean I get one! Sweet Dream squealed.

Dude! Do I get a dinosaur? Riptide asked as he surfed in through the window with a bag on his shoulders.

Ugh, cant you use the door like a normal person? Dr. Zlo complained.

Course not, dude, Riptide answered. Im a villain.

Touche, Dr. Zlo answered. Now! To business! Who have you captured for us to use as a patsy?

Riptide pulled the bag open, spilling out a distressed man in the most ridiculous finery Dr. Zlo had ever seen.

The noble wore a powdered wig similar to those during the French revolution, but instead of powdered white, the headpiece shone a fine gold. Upon closer inspection, Dr. Zlo realized that the hairs were actually gold fiber and not just painted.

I say! the noble scoffed. What a dreadful kidnapping. Dont you have any class? And, my god! Look at this room! Ive never seen such dreadful drudgery.

The noble glanced at Brunhilde and her thug servants. Well, at least you have some class. Maid! Fetch me a saucer of milk. I wish to freshen up.

Riptide, Sweet Dream said, her voice poisonously sweet. Who is this?

Gilderoy Gildenstein, dudes! Riptide laughed. I found him in this big golden mansion cutting the stems of solid gold flowers. I knew I just had to grab him!

Gilderoy gasped. My petunias! Please, sir villain! You must go back and prune my petunias! If anything happened to them, I would despair!

Why does everything in this blasted city have to be so over the top! Sweet Dream complained.

Comes with the territory, I expect, Dr. Zlo answered. Victorian England was such an odd period of time, and Victis has decided to copy the oddities and add even more absurdity to it. But of course, I was prepared for such foolishness!

The villain swiveled to thrust his cane at Gilderoy, lifting the mans chin up. If you want your petunias properly pruned, you shall do as I say!

Of course! Gilderoy agreed. And please, when you ransom me, make sure its no less than a million bullion.

You fool! Dr. Zlo exclaimed, thrusting his cane into Gilderoys neck. The noble gulped at the wrong time, the strike landing right on the mans Adams apple.

We wont be ransoming you! Dr. Zlo said to the coughing man. I have a much better plan! You see, youre going to introduce us to high society!

With that outfit? Gilderoy said haughtily. Please. I have standards.

Youll have no teeth in a second if you dont listen, Sweet Dream threatened. The villainess moved forward.

Dr. Zlo placed a hand in front of the woman. Now, now. Lets not rough up our guest too much? Perhaps hell change his mind once he sees our other guests.

Gilderoy squinted at the villain, Other guests?

Dr. Zlo nodded happily, Oh yes! You see, I found them sitting at the museum, and I just had to take the little scamps home!

The villain motioned to Cass to bring in his dinosaurs. The minion nodded, bringing the folded monstrosities into the foyer. Dr. Zlo grabbed one end and unfurled the folded minion, letting them stretch out to their full height.

Dude! That is awesome! Riptide laughed as the T-rex expanded.

Dr. Zlo and the others were forced to take a step back to accommodate the giant lizard, leaving Gilderoy alone and face to face with row upon row of teeth.

Eep, the noble squeaked.

Dr. Zlo laughed, low and evil. Dont you think they have a smile to die for? Now, heres what will happen. You will send party invitations to every member of high society, inviting them all into my magnificent mansion for a nice dinner party to introduce your newest friends. Feel free to mention that Dr. Zlo is the invitator.

Thats not a word, Sweet Dream commented.

Silence! Dr. Zlo does not abide by your simple dictionaries!

The villain turned back to Gilderoy. Now, Mr. Gildenstein. I hope we can see eye to eye on this issue? Otherwise, Ill have to show you just how intimate my new minions can be.

Gilderoy frantically nodded.

Excellent! Dr. Zlo cackled. Brunhilde! Have your servants escort our party guest to his room! And make sure to get him that milk while youre at it. Our gracious host deserves some niceties.

At Vonce, Herr Zlo!

Brunhilde spun on her heels and marched out of the room. The thugs lifting Gilderoy like luggage and ran to catch up. Dr. Zlo watched them go, only turning to his companions once the noble was out of sight.

Now, we shall make sure our newest minions are dressed for the occasion! the villain cackled.

Oh! We should do a Hawaiin theme, dudes! Riptide said.

You dont get to decide anything, Sweet Dream said. You ran off and left us high and dry. Im designing one of the costumes, and Dr. Zlo gets the other, got it?

Riptide sighed, Alright. But only because youre cute when youre angry.

Sweet Dream almost lost her composure, but her boyfriend had teased her enough times to keep her from overreacting. It only made her more embarrassed.

Dr. Zlo turned to the T-rex in the room. Yes! Now, what to dress you as

Maximillian paced in his ornate museum office, waiting for news on Dr. Zlo. The villain had been oddly silent after his dinosaur theft, which Maximillian hadnt expected. From what he knew of Dr. Zlos reputation, the villain enjoyed gloating and showboating more than the actual crime itself.

A knock sounded at the door.

Come in, Maximillian stated.

An automaton dressed as a young steward walked in. Sir, Ive been instructed to hand you this message.

Maximillian narrowed his eyes. From who?

Gilderoy Gildenstein, sir, the steward answered.

The museum owner scoffed, What does that windbag want now?

The messenger informed me that the noble was throwing a party.

Maximillian rolled his eyes as he grabbed the letter, Another one? The man holds more parties than affairs of state. Its no wonder our great city is faltering.

Just so, sir, the robot steward answered.

The owner grabbed a letter opener and sliced the top off the letter, Seriously, the nobles in this city need

Maximillian stopped as his eyes caught the beginning of the letter.

Ladies and Gentlemen of Esteem,

I, Gilderoy Gildenstein, humbly and cordially invite you to join me in welcoming a newcomer to our grand city of Victis. Dr. Zlo is a contemporary of mine and is quite eager to mingle with the finest that our city has to offer. We are hosting the party at Dr. Zlos quaint mansion near the Bumblington District. Festivities start at Eight oclock sharp so dont be late!

Yours humbly,

Gilderoy Gildenstein

Steward, Maximillian said after reading the letter.

Yes?

Prepare my coat. It seems I have a party to attend.

At once, sir.

The evening sun sank on the city of Victis, giving the city an ochre sheen. Of course, nightlife in the city of contraptions was just as lively as the day, if not more so. For at night, all the denizens partied. Nobles threw grand balls while the common folk coalesced at the pubs for drinks.

Tonight, the nobles revelry would take them to Dr. Zlos party. Everyone who was anyone had heard of the villains exploits. And with Gilderoy backing the venture, things were sure to be extravagant. Thus, anyone of culture could find themselves at Dr. Zlos gaudy McMansion tonight.

Steam-powered carriages lined the driveway and garden as nobles in clockwork finery stepped out, many making small talk as they moved toward the entryway.

Remember the last party, when Gilderoy hired a hero and villain to perform? one of the nobles said.

Oh yes! the other answered. I was ever so surprised when the villain won and attempted to kidnap us all!

Good thing the Purple Petunia appeared at that moment, eh? Another noble said. Though, I do wonder how a cad such as that gains entrance to these parties.

Word on the street is that the Petunia is of noble birth!

No!

Yes! Apparently, hes an illegitimate child but also the head of the family! And no less than three accounts have described him as a her!

A female?!

Oh yes, quite.

Next thing you know, theyll be making children heroes! one of the older nobles exclaimed.

Tut-tut, chided a younger noble. Best not forget our illustrious Queen.

Oh, of course not, the older one said. But affairs of state is different than hero work. Much less direct conflict. Everyone knows that women cant deal with conflict. Makes them light-headed.

A few other nobles were about to nod, but the shadow that appeared behind the speaker caused them to pause.

I mean, lets face it! the older noble continued, his voice getting louder as he walked through the doors leading inside. Women are great at long-term decisions, but they arent decisive! A woman couldnt make the split-second decisions required in hero work! Why do you think all our generals are male?

The other nobles had all decided to keep their mouths shut.

I say, whats got you all so stiff? the older noble asked. Is it the air? I do admit there is something of a chill.

Perhapz, I zhould bring you a coat? Brunhilde asked.

Why that would be excellent, the noble said, turning. Thank you, mad

The words froze in the mans mouth as he bore witness to a woman in a maid outfit towering over him. A beauty mark of a scar crossed her eye, and her stern face reminded one of a strict governess that had weathered a war.

Iz no trouble, Brunhilde said to the noble. I vill be right back. Vait here.

Y-yes! the noble squeaked.

Well see you inside, one of the other nobles said, moving past the man.

The older noble glared with pleading eyes. Dont leave me, he mouthed.

But none of his companions listened, all of them too afraid of Brunhildes towering mass.

The other nobles moved past the entrance and into an expansive ballroom. Gilderoy stood at the top of a banister staircase, waving at the guests. Beside him stood another man in a top hat and monocle, the man copying Gilderoys smile. Servants in fine-trimmed clothes stalked through the room, offering hors doeuvres and drinks.

Well, it seems Dr. Zlo has some class, one of the nobles said. Ive never seen such delightful treats.

The noble who spoke picked up a spiraling green candy that resembled a lizard.

How quaint, the noble tittered.

In fact, it seemed that most of the party was lizard-themed. The scaled animals graced the partys presence as dcor, food, and entertainment. Snake charmers performed hypnotizing ditties for snakes to follow, and animal trainers commanded lizard animals to hop through hoops. A jaunty tune had the nobles tapping their foot in time to the beat.

Once it seemed like all the guests had arrived, Dr. Zlo grabbed a glass from a servant and tapped it a few times.

Attention, everyone!

The crowd quieted and looked up at the villain.

Thank you all so much for attending my party tonight. It means the world to Gilderoy, you know. Hes always been such a good friend! Isnt that right, Gilderoy?

The man in question nodded a bit too eagerly.

Now! Dr. Zlo said, turning back to the guests with a flourish. Im sure youre wondering as to why Ive called this party. Ill admit, it isnt my usual affair.

The nobles politely laughed.

Yes, you all know it! Im much more at home causing crimes and managing mischief. But that was before I met Gilderoy and my other two friends! Their support has shown me there is another way to do things! One that doesnt involve such low-brow tactics.

The nobles all nodded appreciatively. It was always nice to hear when someone turned away from the vulgarity of low-class living.

Yes, Gilderoy has shown me the finer things in life, and my other two friends have shown me there is more to life than stealing! Yes! You have Mr. T and his wife to thank for my change of heart!

The nobles politely clapped. Whoever this Mr. T was must have quite a moral code to put Dr. Zlo back on the straight and narrow.

And now, without further ado, Dr. Zlo said with a wicked smile. The ones responsible for tonights festivities! May I present Mr. T Rexus and his Wife, Saura!

A bloodcurdling roar echoed throughout the ballroom, causing every noble in the vicinity to freeze in terror. Underneath them, the ground shook, rattling the drinks on the drink trays and sending one nobles hairdo toppling to the floor. Slowly, the entire ballroom turned to look at what had just entered the room.

Two enormous Tyrannosaurus dinosaurs stood before the room, each one twice as tall as a human and easily twenty times as big. The one on the left, whose mouth was still open from the roar, wore a top hat and monocle combo that matched Dr. Zlos, the chain winding around to tuck into some of the feathered fuzz around the animals neck. A bow tie sat under the fluff, accenting the already colorful neck frills. A tuxedo covered the rest of the animal, making sure that it looked every inch like a noble king. In its short claws sat a teacup and saucer, the liquid inside sloshing around as the toothed monster scanned the room.

The dinosaurs companion stood beside him, her tail entwined with his as they stomped inside. She wore a soft pink dress that ran all the way down to the floor. White and red lace twisted through the clothing, giving the whole thing a peppermint feeling. In this ones hands rested a bouquet of flowers, each one a different flavor of candy. A tiara rested on the monsters head, a queenly finisher to match the kings finery.

Mr. T Rexus and his wife Saura stomped into the room, their teeth glinting menacingly in the ballrooms light. The only sounds from the nobles were shallow breaths and small whimpers.

Oh, come now, Dr. Zlo said from the banister, breaking the silence. Mr. T and his wife are my benefactors! Its not very nice to snub them. How about a warm greeting!

The nobles all gulped, but nobody stepped forward.

Oh, must I really resort to threats, Dr. Zlo lamented. Fine. Greet Mr. T and his wife, or Ill have you be their hors doeuvres.

Dr. Zlos threat echoed around the ballroom, and for a moment, no one reacted. Then, a brave young noble stepped forward, and though his legs were jelly and his arms springs, he bravely greeted the dinosaurs.

H-ho-h-ho-ho-how d-d-d-d-do you d-d-do, mad-d-d-dam? the man clattered.

Offer to kiss her hand! Dr. Zlo laughed, clapping in delight.

M-m-mi-might, I k-k-k-ki-kiss your hand? the man continued.

Saura bowed gracefully, her tail untwining from her husbands and rising into the air. Her candy flowers fell to the ground with a crash, sending a few of the nobles to jump back in alarm as she extended her stubby hand forward.

The noble was forced to step forward a few more feet, under the dinosaurs mouth, in order to grab her hand for a kiss.

Good show! Dr. Zlo clapped as he watched. Very amusing, dont you think, Gilderoy?

He is a brave lad, yes, Gilderoy answered. Tell me, Dr. Zlo. How did you come about such fine specimens? I would love for you to introduce me to others. If you have them.

Terribly sorry old chum! Dr. Zlo laughed. But Mr. T and Saura are the only two.

Ah, a pity, Gilderoy said. I was hoping to invite one to gaze at my petunias sometime.

Well, it never hurts to ask yourself! Dr. Zlo exclaimed. And with those words, he pushed Gilderoy over the rails and rocketed above the crowd.

Alright, Victis! The villain boomed. Place all your valuables on the ground now, and no one will have to deal with the business end of Mr. T!

Sweet Dream and Riptide rocketed into the room, breaking through the windows and announcing their presence. Brunhilde and the other servants dropped their various serving trays and revealed firearms.

Oh, who could have foreseen this! A noble wailed.

Our valuables! Our goods! another shouted. You wont get away with this!

Unless you think you can take a ten-ton king of the lizards, Id advise against it, Dr. Zlo answered. Now! Place all your valuables in a pile. Thats right, all together now!

I think this show has gone on long enough, a voice stated.

Wait a minute. Dr. Zlo squinted as he scanned the crowd. I know that voice.

The villains eyes caught a dour expression reflected against two shiny brass chest plates.

Aha! Maximillian! So glad you could join me for the soiree tonight! To be honest, I pegged you as a homebody.

Ive come to take back whats mine, Maximillian said coldly.

Oh? You and what army? Dr. Zlo questioned.

Maximillian smirked. Suddenly, the doors to the mansion burst open, revealing robots in riot gear rushing into the building. More of the brass contraptions flew in after them, taking up positions at each window while a group of heroes walked in after.

Alright, alright, nothing to see here, a robot in a custodian helmet said. Those of you affected by tonights events can walk out of here single file. Thats right, all nice like!

Hey! Dr. Zlo shouted. You cant unhostage my hostages! I just claimed them!

Oh, Im sorry! the robot officer said in a thick British accent. I was unaware that there were rules to hostage situations!

Well, now you know! Dr. Zlo said haughtily. Now, I would ask that you leave the hostages here until I no longer have need of them.

You are an insufferable prick, Maximillian groaned.