Vaudevillain

Chapter 217: Jacques-ing Around

"Of course," Dr. Zlo contiuned. "I doubt they'll be enjoyable for the both of you. I'm no test subject, but my guess is that you'll feel some slight pinching."

The Jacques looked at Dr. Zlo in fear before turning to each other. As one, they tried to scramble back up the stairs, only to find it stuck fast.

"Oh, come now," Dr. Zlo said. "I'm sure it won't be that bad."

The villain leisurely made his way up the stairs. The two Jacques started to shake, hugging each other in fear as their leader stood before them.

Dr. Zlo rolled his eyes, "Honestly, it's like you think I'm about to destroy you like I did your companion. No. I'm here to reward you. Understand?"

The Jacques both made gestures that translated to, "No, we don't need anything at the moment, but thank you for asking. Now, we'd like to be on our way."

Dr. Zlo clapped the left Jacques on the shoulder, "Nonsense! Loyal minions deserve to be rewarded."

Dylan opened up the upgrade tab on the Jacques. The minion froze, but whether in terror or as a part of the upgrade process, Dylan couldn't say.

"Now, what to give you," the villain mused.

His Jacques needed some sort of upgrade, but what that was, Dylan couldn't decide. Did he want to try and make another minion like Cass and Mabel? The loyal lieutenant capable of dealing with different threats? Or did he want to make a minor upgrade to them, granting the Jacques just enough power to stand over his peers?

"You definitely can't be as strong as Mabel," Dr. Zlo said. "And Cass is a special case. I'm not sure how powerful Brunhilde is, but considering how she was designed, I doubt I could make you stronger than her. Perhaps I should test this out. I'll give you a simple upgrade, some weapon to attach to your body. And as for you."

Dr. Zlo turned to look at the other Jacques, who had tried to creep away while the villain was distracted.

"I think you should get a bit more added to you. Perhaps some more intelligence? Or possibly a better mind for strategy. Well, we'll see."

The Jacques shuddered.

Dr. Zlo scoffed, "Oh, come on. It's not like I'm going to torture you."

The villain turned back to his captured minion, trying to think of what to add. The upgrade needed to show this Jacques was stronger than the others and that he was built for something special, even if it was impractical. Dylan knew an intelligent villain would hide his cards, but that would never work for someone like Dr. Zlo. The villain thought too highly of himself to consider that possibility.

And Dr. Zlo wouldn't add a simple item, either. Giving the Jacques a sword hand or built-in guns wouldn't be a good enough representation of Dr. Zlo's genius. The upgrade needed to scream ostentatious. How else would Dr. Zlo show everyone how smart he was?

Perhaps a cyborg version of the Jacques? No, that was too much like an evil computer villain. Plus, Cyborgs had a habit of becoming the good guy. Going full-on robot might be a better choice, but the Jacques were already robots.

"Perhaps I should look at it another way," Dr. Zlo muttered, much to the captured Jacques fright.

Maybe it would be better to separate the upgrades into different models, like how minions got progressively stronger in video games. In the beginning, the player might fight a simple goblin, but later on, they might encounter an upgraded versionpossibly a goblin shaman or a wolf rider.

"Yes, I like this idea," Dr. Zlo said. His Jacques could be the rank and file of his army, and their promotions would specialize them somewhat. He could make bruisers, big Jacques with somehow lower intelligence than usual but much stronger bodies, or commanders, and maybe even a gadgeteer or two.

"And because I'm such a lenient leader," Dr. Zlo said to his minion, "I'm going to let you choose."

The villain stared his Jacques right in the eye, or where the minion's eye would be if it had one. "Do you want to punch harder? Or run faster?"

The Jacques stopped struggling, thinking about the question. Eventually, it turned back to Dr. Zlo and nodded.

"Punch harder?" Dr. Zlo asked.

The Jacques continued to nod.

"Excellent!" Dr. Zlo smiled. "Now, let's get started. You might feel a slight pinch!"

The villain tapped the upgrade box, typing out what he wanted in the description. The game output a list of materials a moment later.

Description:

This Jacques is now equipped with greater strength and durability, granting it a vast increase in size and power against foes. In exchange, the Jacques loses even more of its limited intelligence, only able to follow the simplest orders. At least its brawn makes up for the lack of brains!

Protein Powder (1 jar)

50 lb. weights (2)

Lugnut (1)

Sciencium (10g)

Dr. Zlo nodded at the ingredients, then opened up the door to the ground floor. "Cass!" the villain called. "Bring me some protein powder!"

A hand shot out from beside the door, holding a jar of the powder, "Here you are, boss."

Dr. Zlo grabbed the material, shutting the door behind him right before his second test subject could escape. The Jacques slammed into the door, turning stiff like a cartoon character before tumbling down the stairs a second time. Dr. Zlo shook his head, "Perhaps I should make you the one who punches harder, considering how often you hit things."

The second Jacques didn't answer, the minion recovering and ducking behind a work desk. Dr. Zlo chose to ignore the minion's antics, grabbing the rest of the materials he needed from the pile. The villain placed the first Jacques on the floor and set the materials beside it. Once everything was ready, Dr. Zlo pressed the button and threw his hands up.

"Live! Liiive!"

The upgrade process started, the items scrunching together into a ball and pushing into the Jacques' chest. Once again, Dr. Zlo scrunched his eyes as white light erupted from his creation. Dr. Zlo blinked, seeing as the shape went from a thin reed to a thick rod. The arms bulged, along with the torso, almost stretching the light that contained the minion. As a final piece, the minion's head seemed to shrink slightly. Then the light vanished, leaving behind Dr. Zlo's newest minion.

The faceless lackey hunched forward slightly as if its arms were too much for its torso. A round, brown bowler hat rested on the minion's smaller head, matching a dirt-brown suit that almost burst at the seems from the Jacques's arms. Somehow, despite its faceless features, the Jacques gave off an air of simplicity, as if there was nothing at all in the minion's head.

"Yes. Yes! Yes!!" Dr. Zlo cackled madly. "It's Aliive!"

The modified Jacques started to clap, congratulating Dr. Zlo on his success.

"We must test you later," Dr. Zlo said. "But first!"

The villain turned toward his second Jacques.

"You, my minion, need an upgrade."

The Jacques tried to escape, but Dr. Zlo sicced the modified minion on it. Two tree-trunk arms wrapped around the Jacques, securing it in place. Dr. Zlo strolled up to the Jacques, who continued to struggle.

"Honestly," the villain said. "You should be happy about this. You'll get more authority and possibly some more intelligence. You'd like some more intelligence, wouldn't you?"

The Jacques paused in its struggle as Dr. Zlo addressed it, tilting its head as if thinking hard.

"Tactics or Techy?" The villain muttered. One would make this Jacques a commander, the other a medic for its generic brethren.

The Jacques nodded to the left.

"Techy?" Dr. Zlo asked, thinking the minion was signaling the second option.

The Jacques shook its head.

"Tactics it is!" Dr. Zlo pressed the upgrade button and typed in what he wanted.

Description:

This Jacques is now equipped with a greater understanding of combat maneuvers, giving it the ability to command its simpler counterparts. As a result, the minion loses a small amount of combat power but gains a substantial bonus to intelligence when it relates to battles.

The Art of War (1 book)

Egg (1 dozen)

Military Uniform (1)

Sciencium (10g)

Dr. Zlo looked at the list of components, marching back up the stairs.

"Cass!" the villain shouted.

"Yeah, boss?" Cass answered, appearing in front of Dr. Zlo.

"I need to get a book," the villain stated, "and a dozen eggs. The eggs are simple; send Brunhilde to get them. But get Mabel to head to a library on the ground to find The Art of War."

"Why a library, boss?" Cass asked. "Why not just get it from a bookstore?"

"Because what could be more evil than borrowing a book from the library and never returning it!" the villain cackled. "Imagine all the fees I would accrue and never pay! Yes, it's absolutely vile!"

"Okay then, boss," Cass said, a bit questioningly. He didn't understand how that was any worse than stealing from a bookstore, but that was why Dr. Zlo was the criminal mastermind.

"Oh, and when you come back, have Mabel join me," Dr. Zlo said. "I'll want to test out my newest creations once they're ready!"