Tunnel Rat

Chapter 187: Diagnostics

Gendifur was equally worried about and upset with Tallsqueak. "When I told you to take it easy, I thought we had an understanding. Obviously, you were confused by what I meant by Take it Easy." The large healer was very upset, and somehow, Milo felt he was being blamed for what had happened.

Milo really didn't want to argue with Gendifur, but he agreed with her that they hadn't defined the term 'take it easy.' He would point that out some other time. " I was just doing a little mining to stretch my muscles!"

Gendifur snorted. "And broke into a nest of carnivorous beetles that followed you back to the Hollow and had to be exterminated in a huge fight that you were somehow in the middle of. Totally not your fault that you got bit a dozen times and crushed under the Queen when her weight broke the floor, and you crashed into an under cavern full of stone lurkers! That could happen to anyone!"

Tallsqueak nodded his head, glad she understood the situation. It was a slight nod since he had at least one concussion. He tried not to cry in pain as she spread healing ointments on his wounds. They stung something fierce. Gendifur grabbed a bottle of foul-smelling burn ointment next and started slathering it on his hairless left arm. "And everyone knows that Arlothe's experiments rarely explode. Just your bad luck to have your arms and head inside of the machinery when it caught on fire."

Milo didn't believe in bad luck, just probabilities. But he did have to admit that when you looked at it from an outside point of reference, it might look that way. Again, best not to disagree with Gendifur. "Yes, bad luck. I had just gotten the cover off a flux generator when Pansy found the loose wire, and the Oscillation Coil started charging. Without the cover on the flux generator, the two matched frequencies and caused an overload. Totally not my fault."

Gendifur grabbed his heavily bandaged body and threw him over her shoulder before marching into a private room and laying him on the bed. This caused Milo a lot of pain. His bones weren't broken, but they were severely bruised along with most of his body. She tucked him into bed with an extra pillow and glared at him, her eyes turning red.

"And after all that, you decided to play games with Rosie and Buttercup? Both of them at once? Are you insane?"

Milo was sure that his mental stability might be a few standard deviations away from the norm, but he didn't think Gendifur wanted to discuss that. It wasn't his fault he was wired differently. "The girls don't have anyone else to play with them! They've been in cages for the last two years, and we want them to act like children, not fiends. Someone has to play with them, and it can't always be Larry. We were doing some dancing."

Gendifur glared at him. "Well, it isn't going to be you. You are going to stay in this bed for at least three days. You've undone most of the healing I had repaired and added layers of burns and bruises. Do you see how slowly you're regenerating? Your body is exhausted. If you don't slow down, your body will start breaking down."

"Three days? Larry won't be back from Flowertown for at least another day. The twins can only keep ahead of the girls for so long. They are getting better at hide and seek. That's their favorite game, and when they catch them, Tweedle and Ringtail have to do the Hamster Hop with them. You have no idea how dangerous that is."

Gendifur started to say something, and then two junior scouts raced into the room. The first was made for a large urn in the corner. He pulled a flower arrangement out of it, jumped into a space Milo would have sworn was too small, and re-arranged the flowers to hide. Ringtail had been a step behind his twin and cursed as his brother took the best hiding spot. He dived to the floor and slid under Tallsqueaks bed. Behind them came two crafty hunters looking for their prey.

Rosie and her sister were moving silently, one sniffing the air and looking around, the other sniffing along the ground. Both of them wrinkled their noses at the harsh medicinal odors from the infirmary. Buttercup saw Gendifur and froze. She stood up straight and straightened her dress, and tugged at her sister to get her attention. Both girls stood silently and stared at the large nurse. Then they began to cry and sniffle. Rosie looked very confused. "Momma?"

Gendifur looked back at them. It was the first time she had seen them up close, and it nearly broke her heart. It was like Larry all over again, children trapped in monsters' bodies. She gathered the two crying girls in her big arms and sat down with them, letting them cry and be little girls missing their mother. After some time, she stood up and made a decision. "Tweedle? You and Ringtail are on guard duty. If Tallsqueak gets out of this room, I'll be using you as test subjects for my new healing salves."

"Come, girls. We will get a snack from Smiley, and then we'll find a nice man named Brutus to dance with us."

After she left, the flower urn grew legs and put itself next to Tallsqueaks bed.

"You look tired!"

"So very, very tired!"

"Ready for bed."

"Long naps, good for us not getting hurt."

Milo looked at the two of them. "So, you would obey the Master Healer and not the Scout Master?"

They nodded to each other.

"Obviously."

"You are hurt, and we can outrun you."

"Gendifur is unavoidable and very fast once she builds momentum."

"We are smart scouts."

"Good at threat assessment."

"This shows how intelligent we are."

"You getting out of bed is bad for everyone."

"Inconsiderate of you."

"You should be the responsible Elder Scout."

"The good example."

"Stay in bed, please."

"The new wound ointment is excellent, but Petey said it stings."

"And the new anti-venom stings on the inside."

Milo leaned back in bed. He did need to rest. "I'll make you a deal then. I'll stay put if one of you gets me a couple of items that Gilad is holding for me. And what happened to Petey?"

The twins smiled and rolled their eyes.

"He made a mistake in threat assessment."

"A bad mistake."

"And over-estimated how sneaky he is."

"Fancy new title and ring made him brave."

"So brave! So foolish! So doomed!"

"He tried to play surprised! with Professor Cremona."

"It did not go well."

"He is now helping her with testing new poisons."

"And helping Gendifur with testing new cures."

"They say it will make him better at his job."

"We don't want to be that much better!"

All three scouts decided that Tallsqueak staying in bed was a good thing. Tweedle ran off to find a particular ring and mace. Ringtail did his best to tell Tallsqueak a bedtime story.

The mace that Gangrene had wielded with such ease took the twins over an hour to carry back to Milo, even with the help of a wheelbarrow. Milo watched them struggle to get the weapon to where he could look at it. He reached down and was able to pick it up with both hands. It was indeed heavy, especially for a one-handed weapon. "The two of you can't lift this? What are your STR scores?"

They sighed.

"A valid question."

"If embarrassing."

"We are good scouts."

"Sneaky scouts!"

"Becoming better scouts."

"But maybe..."

"...maybe we should not have skipped some lessons."

Milo smiled at them. "I'm sure we can fix that with a few days in the mines. And then some time foraging." The twins grimaced at the thought. They had successfully avoided hard work for years, but they were constantly impressed with the Scout Master. Mostly how he was still alive. For now, though, they were content to steal pillows from other rooms and take naps while they carefully guarded the door. Milo started examining the mace that Gangrene had used to nearly shatter his skull.

Mace of Armageddon

A bloody and terrible ancient weapon that has been wielded by many throughout the ages and killed thousands of sentient creatures.

The description was less than helpful, Milo thought. Was that because his level was too low? Or his Identify skill? The weapon was one piece of metal with no seam between the head and handle. Leather had been wrapped around the handle to provide a better grip. Milo sliced off the stained leather and had one of the twins take it to the trash heap to be burned. The metal was unfamiliar to him. He used one of his claws to test its hardness. He was surprised when his claw slid along the metal and left no mark. He'd been able to make small cuts into the crystal of Uthneragrubban, and yet this metal was tougher than the hide of the crystalline world boss.

Finding a spot where he could use his strength to bear down, he pressed the tip of one claw into the mace and slowly moved it. He wasn't able to scrape the metal off but did make a slight indentation. And that was when things got weird. He saw glowing runes form on the metal around the slight indentation. Runes made with machine language like the ones in his bones. Six glowing runes formed a circle around the slight indentation and began to circle it.

Hardness Repair Hardness Repair Hardness Repair

The mark he had made disappeared, and the runes faded, replaced by a rune he couldn't read that flashed three times before it faded. Excited, Milo attempted to repeat the experiment. As he made a small mark on the mace, the last rune flashed again in multiple places around the mace head. Each rune flashed three times before it faded. The mark he had made was gone. Milo felt like he could almost grasp the meaning of the unknown rune. He put another mark on the mace head.

Warning Warning Warning Warning Warning Warning Warning

Tweedle and Ringtail saw Tallsqueak enveloped in a blinding light, his fur standing on end. The bedding caught fire, and the bed was destroyed. Tallsqueak collapsed on his back, holding the handle of a screwdriver. In his mind, a voice was speaking:

"Repairs complete. Diagnostics Complete. Tool Interface available. User: Engineer Milo Tallsqueak has been added to the list of allowed users. Engineer Milo Tallsqueak has submitted an alternative method of resetting programming. Method not recommended except as a last resort."