North x Northwest

Chapter 245

I didnt know that Venua was involved in this And I didnt expect to meet him this soon I just Ive been so complacent. At the back of my mind, I figured we would bump into each other at some point, but his sense of existence just slipped, perhaps because its been a long time since we last saw each other, or because my memory of him is faint Yet, now that Ive seen him again, Im reminded of the plan I made. At first, yes, I planned to go back to Mireille and rewind the knot I had left twisted Getting my life back thats where I wanted to start. I believed that if I addressed my problems one by one, things would get better for me somehow. Even if there were variables

Lil cut herself off and hit her forehead.

Theres no need for such a tedious explanation The only reason why I keep rambling on is because it gives me an excuse to stay I wish I could slap myself on the cheeks right now I almost fainted in the rain on the street. If it happens again, I dont think I can overcome it It will be over if I go out there and collapse for real this time

But Venua is different from the Duke of Mireille. The Archduke, my father, is in critical condition, so Venua will soon succeed him and become the new Archduke Come to think of it, its ridiculous for Venua to come all the way here in person just to look for me, even if it was requested by our father. Venua must have some other ulterior motive then. In such a case, theres no way hed let me go. Even if I try to remain optimistic, I know that this time, it will be different

Liloa.

I might be done for

As I told you from the beginning. It doesnt matter.

I said it doesnt matter who you are.

Thats

And you were delighted, remember?*

That would mean that you look at me the same way even though Im not wearing the necklace. You understand that right?

One way or another, my answer remains the same.

What?

I said it doesnt matter. What makes you think Ill change my mind?

Because of Eds persistent response, Lil was reminded of the time she shared with him in the music room. When she barged through the door while Ed was playing the cembalo.

After our fight and reconciliation, I asked him if he knew who I truly was. He said it didnt matter I didnt know this was what he truly meant

Recalling what happened, Lil felt embarrassed.

Those were words said by someone who already knew everything about me.

Not being able to sit still anymore, Lil rose from her seat and paced around it.

The more I ponder it, the hazier my mind becomes. I thought I understood Ed through our numerous conversations, but apparently, the depth of his mind is evidently deeper

Because of this, Lil felt as if the ground beneath her was crumbling and her feet didnt touch the floor anymore. She turned her head towards him. Eds serious demeanor was so unwavering that Lil felt the pressure rise to her throat.

I dont understand. Why are you so

Lils speech became slurred when Ed suddenly jumped up. His eyes, illuminated by candlelight, moved uneasily, constantly returning to her right side. Lil followed his gaze to a window with curtains drawn. Apparently, Ed couldnt keep still with the foreshadowing that Lil could be planning to run and jump out the window at any moment. He even tensely clenched and unclenched his fists, grabbed his clothes, and swept down his face impatiently.

I know what I did to you. I let you down. I tried to coax you into thinking I was different from the other men. My actions since Amiaeng only disillusioned you and made you unable to trust me again. I know that. Im still the same bastard who hasnt gotten rid of the arrogance and the feeling of inferiority I had 10 years ago. I deserve to feel terrible for acting like that. But But I just cant let you go.

Why?

I wont beg you for forgiveness. I wont even ask you to look at me.

Why are you doing this for me?

Just dont go.

Youre so strange. When have I ever spoken nicely to you or treated you kindly? Ive never given you anything. You took a bullet for me, told me the things I wanted to hear the most in my life, and brought me back from the dead. I, on the other hand, have done nothing to repay any of that.

Thats not true. Ive known you for much longer than you know

I know. I read the letter.

Ed, who was momentarily taken aback, lowered his eyes to the desk. Next to the candlestick was the reply Lil had been writing and a quill that was dripping ink.

Lil quickly snatched her stationery before Eds hand could reach it.

Half of the paper, which had been densely populated with Lils writing, crumpled in her hands.

I messed up I said I had come to get some weapons and clothes, but the truth is that I havent even changed my clothes yet

She was still wearing the dress that got ripped when she escaped the mansion. From the very beginning, Lil had known that all the words she had blurted out to Ed were excuses that didnt make any sense. But she had no choice but to do so. As soon as she entered the boudoir, she was determined to find the letter, and after reading it, she couldnt help but write a reply.

The version of her in Eds letter was so unfamiliar to her that Lil held onto the letter for a long time. At first, she felt strange and awkward to discover how Ed saw her, but that feeling quickly changed into something wonderful and it sparkled throughout all his various sentences.

It felt weird to me that I mightve looked like that to someone, so I couldnt bring myself to get out of that feeling because it was so fascinating to me. It made me rethink the days I lived. I always thought my past was just full of envy Filled with ridicule, criticism, and disillusionment

Lil tried to fool Ed into believing she was okay, but it wasnt easy as a hot sensation rushed up and swept around her eyes. She pretended to fumble and touch her face, thinking she could use her faces wetness from the rain as a cover.

I know you dont want to go, so do whatever you want instead. You already escaped from him to do that, and you said no one could force you, so why are you still being influenced by the Prince Regent?

Because despite being in Roahn, Venuas status didnt change. Hes still Obernyus Prince Regent. I, on the other hand, became a nobody when I left the villa. Can someone like Ed even understand the sense of helplessness and self-degradation of being someone of no value? I want to ignore Venua just as Ed is doing, but I dont have that kind of power I never want the man in front of me to be hurt or fall sick in any way, but that doesnt mean I can protect him or prevent it. Reality is that miserable. No matter how much Ed praises me, he can only do so through letters or reminiscences as the real-life me is extremely unsightly. Rather than shining, Im immersed in darkness. No one would even know if I disappeared Maybe the world is hoping that Ill just go away

In the middle of her depressing thoughts, the medicine had started working and Lil suddenly felt it was much easier to stand, so she turned around to find her bag.

I enjoyed reading your letter, thank you for thinking so highly of me.

Is that all?

I wont misunderstand you anymore

Are you doing this because you hate me?

Lil slammed the sheathed knife she had been packing down on the desk. Ed had been following her since she began moving, so even if she looked back just a little, she could see him. Lil raised her voice because she was beginning to get frustrated that he kept pleading even though there was nothing she did or could do for him.

Im not that great of a person! I dont know why you think of me that way, but I cant stand myself because Im so pathetic. None of your flowery words makes any sense to me!

No, you

At one point, I, too, thought I might be special. But ever since, Ive been struggling to prove it, and till now, I still am. I know it. Im nothing. Im on the run, so I dont belong to anyone or anywhere and thats why I have no place to return to. Im a lost object. Where am I supposed to go? Im sick of myself because I couldve died if I hadnt come here. Do you get it? Ill die if you dont help me. Im useless on my own. The world knows it. And yet I cant admit it to myself. I feel like the crazy one for being unable to accept it.

No one can achieve everything alone.

Is there anyone who doesnt know that? But whenever I ask someone for help, I hear that Im asking for help because Im weak and lacking. If I cant do everything on my own, no one will believe in me. What you say applies only to people. And women are not people, they are women.

Lil was well aware of this, but she still tried and eventually failed, which was why she was standing here.

The more Lil spoke, the more difficult it was for her to bear herself becoming so shabby. The Liloa that Ed remembered was so wonderful that now, she was embarrassed to be standing in front of him in such a state of disintegration.

Reference:

As I told you from the beginning. It doesnt matter. / I said it doesnt matter who you are. / And you were delighted, remember? = Chapter 102 = The moment Ed is talking about is the scene just before the necklace stops working. Lil was down about the Dukes endeavors to catch mermaids and said there was no end to it. Ed responded with that it would stop one day and that Lil could speed things up. Lil asked him if she could do that regardless of who she was and if he would still feel honored to meet her. Ed said of course and Lil was happy with his answer.

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