How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis

Chapter 275: Never on a First Date

Arthur looked very dead. He wasnt breathing, he was cold to the touch and there was no heartbeat. Which didnt necessarily mean he was dead. Or that he couldnt be resuscitated. You cant think like a normie in these situations, especially when you have the power of healing in your fingertips. The important thing was to take action immediately, which I did. After I closed his robe.

Once I wasnt being stared at by that gnarled monstrosity, I was able to concentrate on bringing him back. It might even have ended up working to my advantage if I saved his life (assuming he didnt remember I was the one who took it from him in the first place).

There was, however, a slight problem. When I placed my hands on his chest and made the finger movements that had become second nature to me, nothing happened.

No glowing, no healing, no magic.

I tried a number of times, each one a complete failure. I tried to create a light, and that didnt work, either.

It wasnt like the engine was refusing to turn over, it was like there wasnt an engine there. Had Arthur taken my ability away from me? Was it part of the training? He had definitely done something to my mind when he touched me, but I didnt want to lose the one useful ability I had in order to gain one I had no idea what to do with.

I would have had strong words with him about it, if I hadnt already killed him.

Even though his methods were a bit strange, I genuinely believed he could have shown me how to use these new powers of mine. Now he was dead, which meant less homework, but also, no graduation ceremony.

There was some noise as the others turned up; gasps and exclamations. Jenny led them, looking fresh and clean, her hair still a bit wet. She scrubbed up well. The others were in a similar newly bathed state.

What happened? said Jenny, surprisingly calm considering I was crouched over a corpse. And can you close his robe?

How bad you see a situation often depends on the angle youre looking at it from. I rearranged his robe to be more modest.

He died.

Did you do it? asked Claire.

No. Not intentionally.

Cant yo heal him? said Flossie.

I tried. Its not working. I think the training might have affected my ability to do magic. Claire, you try.

Claire knelt down and placed her hands on Arthurs chest. His robe slipped open again. It seemed to be made of some friction-free Teflon material designed by NASA.

I turned my head away and noticed something odd. There were all a bit wet at the edges, as youd expect after a bath, but they were also equally wet.

Did you lot have a bath together? They looked a bit sheepish. I turned to Jenny. I go off for one second to fetch some stone tablets from the mountain, and you immediately start cavorting around a golden calf.

Youre Moses in this analogy? Jenny asked.

Yes, Im Moses. A plague on your house.

There wasnt enough hot water, said Flossie. And it were a big bath. If youre upset about them seeing your girlfriend naked, you can have a look at my baps, if you want.

She began unbuttoning her shirt.

No! I screamed.

She stopped. Youre a bit of a prude, arent yo?

Yes, its called being English. I dont know what you people are turning into, but its not good. Whats next? You going to start ordering the Continental breakfast? Three-foot stick of bread and a handful of olives? We aren't savages.

Its not working, said Claire. Shed been too focused on trying to revive Arthur to join in with Flossies offer to strip off, thankfully. Nothings happening.

Same as me. I looked at the othersDudley and Maurice avoided eye contact. Jenny and Maurice were the only ones Arthur hadnt helped. You, hussy, try to make a light.

Jenny ignored the name-calling and tried the finger manipulations to create a ball of light. She was by far the worst of us at magic, but she did manage to produce a slight glow. It disappeared immediately, but at least it proved my theory. Arthur had somehow stolen my magic from me.

What about you? I said to Maurice.

He got a glow even less impressive than Jennys, but that was probably because he knew he'd broken the bro code and shame had dulled his senses.

Neither of them had been able to do any healing, although they knew the moves. If they were Arthurs only chance of being resurrected, there would be no Easter miracle.

On the other hand, he could have been beyond saving, and we were just wasting our time.

We should get him in the house and hide the body, I said.

Hide him? said Claire. Are you afraid the police might start asking questions?

No, Claire. You seem to have forgotten hes the favourite religious icon for a group of tentacle-faced druids. How do you think theyre going to react when they find out we killed their messiah. Tell us off for being naughty?

We? said Claire. How is this our fault? You killed him.

They always abandon you in the end. Do I mean women? Do I mean friends? No, I mean everyone.

Im joking, said Claire. Stop looking at me like Ive betrayed you.

That was a joke?

Yes. And I dont want a critique of my delivery. I know how to make a joke.

Have you considered sharing that information with your face?

Claire pinched her lips together, which could have been her being pissed off, or possibly the start of a comedy skit. Its called being deadpan, you miserable fuck. Women can be funny too, you know? And also, everyone here has seen your girlfriend naked. I winced. Oh, you felt that, didnt you, Mr Untouchable.

I stopped before I could say whatever devastating putdown was about to come out of my mouth. She was right. I had felt it. Not only that, I had also seen it.

As she had said laid into me, a black vine had jumped out of her stomach and plunged into mine, injecting me with anger and embarrassment and insecurity, and all the other stupid emotions you feel when you get upset over what other people do.

I looked at the cable bridging the gap between us. It was solid and firmly attached to us both. I reached out my hand, grabbed it, and yanked.

The texture was smooth and cold. It broke, and then crumbled, like dry leaves. I felt a lot better.

What was that? said Jenny. They were all staring at me.

You didnt see it?

They shook their heads. My gaze passed from one to the next. My mood had definitely changed. I didnt feel as annoyed with them. I didnt care so much about them messing about in a tub full of bubble bath.

I looked at Jenny and she smiled at me. I guess that meant she was feeling something good from me.

It was a development, although I still wasnt sure what it meant. I didnt have full control of it, but I could see a bit more. I looked down at Arthur. It would have been nice to have someone to help me understand.

We have to get him inside and then we should leave. We had some time before it got dark, but once the dragons got here, at least wed have a ride out of the city. I just had to figure out where to go now.

Dudley grabbed Arthurs legs and clamped one foot under each armpit. Maurice and I took an arm each, and Flossie held his robe closed, which made moving more awkward, but no one stopped her. You wouldnt understand unless youve seen hundred-year-old balls.

Getting him up the stairs was a bit tricky. We may have bumped him into a wall or two. The first room we came to had an unmade bed in it so we manoeuvred him in and dumped him on it. We collapsed on the carpet to catch our breath. No one wanted to sit on a bed with a dead guy.

Shame we cant stay here, said Flossie. Theres plenty of room.

Yeah, I said. We could Weekend at Bernie him. Prop him up whenever anyone comes around, attach strings to his arms. Theyd never know.

Do you, um, ah, think that would work? said Dudley from over by the window.

What? No, of course not. I had the horrible feeling Claires lack of comic timing had rubbed off on me.

Only, you see, the thing is, we appear to be about to have guests. He pointed out of the window. If Im not very much mistaken.

We scrambled over to the window. There was a group of druids entering the grounds, around the side of the gate. It was only a small delegation of four, but if they found out what wed done, there would be consequences. We would quite literally become plant food.

We could not answer the door, said Flossie. Theres a hex on it.

Who do you think put the hex on it? said Maurice. Arthur couldnt do that sort of thing, could he?

He had a raised an interesting point, at a completely inappropriate moment. So same ol, same ol.

The hex doesnt matter, I said. Theyll get in through the broken windows like last time. Our only hope is to convince them he doesnt want to be disturbed.

There was a murmur of agreement. He was a crotchety old guy who treated the druids with contempt, so it was a believable ploy.

It wont work, though, will it? said Maurice.

Nope. Theyll want to hear it from the man himself. If we try too hard to stop them, well make them suspicious.

You dont know that, said Claire. I gave her a look which she didnt need to be able to mind read to understand. Okay, never mind. So, how do we stop them?

We dont, I said. Not unless you fancy getting sap on your hands. Theyre going to burst in, which is why we have to make it look like Arthurs doing something they cant interrupt.

They all looked blank, no idea what I was talking about. Same ol, same ol.

Jenny, you have to pretend to be having sex with him.

What? No!

Oh, now whos the prude?

Im not going to have sex with a dead guy.

Pretend. Pretend to have sex. Theyll barge in, realise hes indisposed, and piss off mumbling apologies, assuming they arent of Italian descent and think its a bunga bunga party.

No, said Jenny.

I turned around. Flossie. You do it.

No way.

It was clearly a solid plan.They were just being short-sighted. Dudley, youll have to do it.

Hey, said Claire. Why did you skip me?

Would you have agreed?

No! But you could still have asked.

Youre upset because I didnt ask you to shag a dead guy? Theres no pleasing some people.

There was knocking at the door. It was sharp and insistent.

Look, Im the leader. I give the orders. Im going to answer the door and delay them as long as I can. Maybe theyll leave, but lets be realistic, they wont. And if they find out hes kaput, were all kaput. So talk it out amongst yourselves, but when they burst through that door, one of you fuckers better be sucking his cold, dead cock.

There was another knock. Banging might be a more apt term.

Why one of us? asked Claire, arms folded defiantly. Why not you?

I would, but someone has to answer the door, dont they?

It was my own fault for not choosing my words more carefully. Ive never seen them move so fast. The next second, I was alone in the room with my new boyfriend. Worst blind date ever.

I turned him over onto his stomach and bunched up his legs so his bum was sticking up. Yes, I was going through with my plan. It was a good plan, a solid plan. It made sense. They werent going to ask why he was flopping about with his eyes closed if they walked in on us going at it like two Chippendales between shows.

I pushed his robe up and his balls were somehow still visible. No one appreciates what you have to do to survive in a fantasy world. Its all magic swords and fairy princesses. Well, welcome to the reality of life in Middle-Earth. I dropped my trousers.

Obviously, I would be faking it. Im sure you were wondering. But I had to make it look real. I knelt on the bed and grabbed Arthur by his geriatric hips, repositioning him for the best view from the doorway while grumbling about ingrates whod never had a good idea in their lives. I prepared to start thrusting when I heard the footsteps thundering up the stairs. There was a small chance they would be able to fob the druids off with some story, but I didnt have much faith in that outcome. They werent good at blagging it and the universe hated me.

It was up to me and Arthur to save the day, as only real men knew how.

There was a thud and shouting. Feet stampeded up the steps. I began thrusting in what I assumed was a sexy manner.

Arggh, screamed Arthur. Whats happening!

Arthur jumped away from me, I jumped away from him. The door flew open and druids burst in on us in various states of undress at either end of the bed.

Oh. Ah. Sorry to disturb you. The druids backed out with apologetic faces and closed the door behind them.

See? I told you it was a solid plan.