How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis

Chapter 258: Party to a Lie

There were a host of frogmen (of both sexes), a giant frog and us. I was still keeping towards the rear to stay behind Pogo. Technically, as long as we didnt pass him, the Second Guardian hadnt failed in his duty. 

In front of us was the castle wed been looking for. It was in a large clearing that wasnt particularly clear. There were no trees, but there was plenty of vegetation. Fortunately, Pogo had flattened a great deal of it, making it much easier to reach the stone building in the middle. He had, technically, not let us pass. He had also, technically, cleared the way.

The odd thing, though, was the castle itself. It had the four towers wed seen from the edge of the forest, tall and imposing, but the rest was seriously dilapidated. It looked like a ruin that had been left to slowly rot and crumble over many centuries, or a particularly rough weekend. 

Walls had fallen and there was no roof to speak of. And then there were all the skulls.

Im not very keen on the decor, muttered Dudley.

Yeah, said Maurice. They look like human skulls. Small humans.

He didnt mean they belonged to midgets, he meant children. They were piled up in heaps.

This is the castle of the One True God, said the Elder. You can see from its majestic towers and invulnerable walls, there is no doubting the power of the one who resides here.

Not only did I doubt his powers, I also doubted his DIY skills. The place was a dump.

If you wish to enter, continued the Elder, you must find a way in.

He said it like I couldnt just climb over one of the breaches in the stone walls. My only real obstacle would be if I slipped on some moss or tripped on a loose stone.

Where is the One True God? I asked. There was no welcoming committee, no sign of life at all, in fact. 

Inside, of course.

Where? I cant see him. I had a pretty good view through all the broken stones and fallen walls.

Of course not, said the Elder. You cant see through walls, can you? To enter you must knock three times on the Gate of Wonders and wait to see if you are considered worthy. You might be allowed entry, or you might be struck down where you stand. The latter is far more likely. Almost guaranteed.

He didnt make it sound very appealing. I wasnt planning on knocking even once, especially as there didnt appear to be a door, wonderful or otherwise.

Can I ask you something? Exactly what do you see when you look at the castle? Describe it for me.

There was a pause as the Elder gave me a suspicious look, like he wasnt sure if I was taking the piss or not. The other frogmen were standing around, probably waiting for me to be found unworthy and hit by lightning or something. Pogo was surreptitiously pinching slugs from baskets while no one was watching. I could see his tongue thwipping around behind everyones backs while he looked innocently up at the sky.

A glorious vision of golden domes and white marble. Why, what do you see?

I looked at the castle again. An illusion that didnt work on us because we were Visitors? Seemed the most obvious reason he saw something I didnt.

Same, I said. Just checking. Dont often see something so, you know, opulent.

There was confused muttering from the crowd. I had the feeling Id been rumbled.

It is built of red stone and polished silver, said the Elder. You dont see that, do you?

It was a fair cop. No. Its a ruin. Barely standing. And there are a lot of skulls all over the place.

A lot, said Maurice.

A lot, a lot, added Dudley.

There was more confused muttering.

Some kind of illusion? asked the Elder. 

I suppose so. I walked closer, still doing my best not to get ahead of Pogo. I had told the Elder about my invite from the OTG via trunk call but I wasnt sure he believed me. I took a breath and jumped over part of the wall that had collapsed leaving a large V-shaped gap.

The crowd gasped.

Are you still there? called out the Elder. 

I was standing directly opposite him with nothing between us. I assumed he could see a wall, through which I had magically passed like some kind of ghost.

Im right here. I stepped back. I had, technically, bypassed the second guardian, but we seemed to have agreed to overlook it. Plus, the guardian was too busy stuffing his wide mouth with things that were trying to crawl back out again to pay much attention to technicalities.

Joshaya, who had kept quiet for most of the journey, bar the occasional complaint about consorting with the enemy, stepped forward. This is the castle of the One True God. We have to fight our way to its depths if we are to find your missing women.

How do you know that? I asked him.

Its obvious. Thats how this sort of thing works. Believe me, I have a lot of experience.

I didnt believe him. Or trust him. That didnt mean he wasnt right, I just wasnt going to take him at his word. 

Look, he said, pointing. Theres probably an entrance to the lower levels somewhere.

I followed where he was pointing, but I couldnt see anything. I widened my search a little by turning my head this way and that and spotted a dark opening that might have been a doorway. Strange thing was, I was pretty sure it hadnt been there a second ago. Maybe I was mistaken.

Yeah, looks like there might be something. Can you see it?

Oh, no, said Joshaya. I see the same as them. He jerked a thumb at the frogmen.

Hey, can I have a word? asked Maurice.

Sure. Whats up?

Over here. Only need a second. He smiled apologetically at the crowd as though he was depriving them of my fine company. They didnt seem to mind.

Joshaya began coming with us but Maurice raised a hand. Sorry. Private stuff. About sex.

I wasnt sure I wanted to talk to him now. Not without a few stretching exercises to preempt the severe cringe I was about to be afflicted with.

This isnt really about sex, said Maurice once wed got a bit of distance from the masses. Weve been talking. 

Yes, said Dudley. Assessing the situation.

The cringe was still a very real possibility. Oh, yes? What did you come up with? I knew I shouldnt ask, but I was backed into a corner. Manners dictated I pretend to care what they thought.

Imagine youre in a party entering a dungeon. So far, so Maurice. And you keep looking for the end boss, but you cant find him. Why? Becauseplot twisthes one of your party!

Hiding in plain sight, threw in Dudley.

We all looked over at Joshaya, the way you shouldnt when you suspect someone of being up to no good but dont want them to think you suspect them. We waved and smiled at him like a bunch of dorks. He looked confused. Dorkism for the win.

Him? I muttered through my fake smile. You think hes the One True God in disguise?

Yeah, said Maurice. The girls set all this up. Claire can read minds, so she probably picked up on something. They wanted us to come here, with him.

Even promised themselves to him as a prize, said Dudley. So it must be important.

It was possible, but that didnt mean much. And what happens when we find them? The lucky girl marries him and the rest of us go on our merry way?

No, no, said Maurice. At least, I hope not. Thats just part of the plan.

So they lied? Just to keep him sweet?

They both nodded like this was a perfectly normal thing to do.

They probably didnt have a choice, said Dudley.

Whatever they want us to do, said Maurice, they couldnt tell us. They had to do it this way.

A lie to trick the One True God into not killing us all immediately? Give him a game to play to keep him interested? I could see that. Im not saying it was a good idea, but lying to get out of a tricky situation is, in fact, pretty normal. Everyone does it.

Well, not me, so much. I had a tendency to go the other way. Brutal honesty. Needlessly so. Strangely enough, my approach usually left people upset. Whereas a pleasant lie gave them a lovely, fuzzy feeling. Up until when they found out it wasnt true. Then they got mad, but up till that point, there were happy as Larry.

Thats the thing about a lie, as long as you believe it, you feel great. You think youre going to get whatever you were promised, and the anticipation is better than a warm blow job on a cold day. You enjoy your work, whistling and humming, happy to be alive. Everything feels better because you got the deal you wanted. A deal almost too good to be true. So happy.

Even if you know the guy has let people down before, youre convinced, even though he might bullshit others, for you, hell come through. Sometimes I think people want to be lied to. They want to enjoy the sensation of getting their just rewards even if its completely fake. The build-up is the same.

And when you find out the truth, what have you lost? Youre in the same position as before, plus you had all that time thinking you were getting that gold brick youd been promised. Unless, of course, the lie was, I have the antidote! In which case youre dead, so no time to feel betrayed.

Meanwhile, my relentlessly honest approach has only gotten me sneers and accusations of being tactless. I guess Im just not a fan of the well-meaning lie.

I mean, if you found out your girlfriend was cheating on you, and the guy was tall and rugged, a professional kickboxer who had given up the fight game to study biochemistry and now worked in cancer research, and his hobby was rebuilding vintage sports cars from scrap, then fair enough. You lied to me, but I see your point. I would have fucked him, too.

But no. The lie is to hide shagging your boss while you were away at a conference. He told you his wife wouldnt divorce him and he could only get it up if you stuck a Bic up his arse. And for some reason that made you feel needed. 

Thats the kind of low-effort lie we end up getting in life. Its just so disappointing.

You want us to go along with whatever plan they came up with, even though we have no idea what it is, or why they think this is the best way to handle it?

They both looked at me like, Why not? To which the obvious answer would be, because, as weve just established, theyre a bunch of liars.

We could go take a look, I suppose. I glanced over at Joshaya, fat and old. Was he really a god?

We decided to cautiously follow Joshaya into the castle. I was fully intending to play along, let the girls take the lead on this one, even if it was by remote control. Maurice was right about one thingClaire had the best ability for this sort of situation. If she had seen what was in Joshayas head and made a judgement call to deceive us, as well as him, then chances were there was an excellent reason for it.

And yet, it stuck in my craw. She really couldnt have found a way to let us in on whatever was going on? All that time in the village when they were tied to stakes? She couldnt have passed us a note?

Maybe it was chauvinism. I couldnt stand to be kept in the dark and told what to do, no questions. Especially by a girl. Or maybe I just thought it was dumb to let this guy have his way. If he was a god, he was in disguise for a reason. He seemed upset about us not killing the frogmen and fighting our way to the girls. 

Are you ready to go? he asked as we returned from our conflab.

Yeah. By the way, are you the One True God? Sometimes its best to say whats on your mind. Run it up the flagpole and see if anyone salutes. Or kills you.

Joshaya looked baffled. What do you mean? Why do you say that?

So, hows it work? This some kind of theme park? You collect various monsters and set them up as guardians. Feed them, protect them, get them all nice and plump and juicy, then come through with a bunch of adventuring-types, see if you can break the record for most kills in an afternoon?

There was an awkward silence as the frogmen listened to me ramble. 

Must have been very disappointing when we didnt chop anyone down. I mean, there was the spider, but that was an accident really. The exploding horse wasnt really intentional.

There was some murmuring among the crowd. This was the first they were hearing about Old Murtaughs demise.

Not much of a show for you. And now you want us to go through a dungeon youve designed for us. Lots of traps and interesting puzzles, is it?

Joshaya had gone from bewildered to flustered to oddly neutral. He didnt seem quite so old and doddery all of a sudden. He might have grown an inch or two, as well.

Its a bit unoriginal, to be honest with you. Clichd. Weve been in this position a couple of times already. Dont you have anything else you could try?

What did you have in mind? asked Joshaya coldly. There had been no admission, but also no attempt at continuing the charade. Maurice had been right. He was getting good at spotting the enemy. Not through sharp perception, just normal logic and an understanding of how his girlfriend thought. Which might have been the rarest ability of all.

You know magic, right? Im a bit of a novice, myself, but Im not bad. How about we duel, with arcane powers and pew pew, and so on. I smiled at him, clearly outgunned and yet offering him the advantage. If the Elder was right, gods were the most powerful mages on the planet. I, on the other hand, was a noob.

You wish to battle me? Joshaya, the One True God, sounded amused.

Sure. I just need a little time to practise, first.

Very well. I like your confidence. I hope you can live up to it. He turned away from me and walked into the ruins. Come find me when youre ready. He faded away into smoke.

Are you sure this is a good idea? asked Maurice. Dudley didnt seem too convinced, either.

They had a point. I could do a trick or two, but they were pretty feeble. Like Nabbo, I had the not giving a shit part down cold, but the other part, the caring intensely about something to draw power from it, that wasnt where I excelled. My feelings for Jenny werent enough. My connection to the rest of the group wasnt the strongest. 

The frogmen just stared at me, shocked by what theyd just seen. If I could work up some interest in them, perhaps they could be my source. Did I care what would happen to them? Could I make myself think of them as my precious possessions? Probably not. But I did have one thing to help me.

You understand this isnt a sanctuary, I said to the Elder. Its a farm. And youre the cattle.

The Elder nodded. 

Hes probably had others here, acting as guardians so he could play the big game hunter.

You cant beat him with your magic, said the Elder.

True, I agreed. Thats why youre going to teach me. To save your people. I might not give a shit about these frog-headed humanoids, but he did. And he was good at magic. Hed make an excellent teacher, hopefully.

Time to level up those spells.