How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis

Chapter 242: Blow by Blow

I was confused. Not about my sudden introduction to man-dwarf lovethat I could deal with the old fashioned way of pretending it never happenedbut by Biadets revelation. 

She said I had a special ability and that it was being untouchable. What the hell did that mean?

I could be touched in the physical sense. I could be hurt and killed. If she didnt mean it literally, what did she mean?

You also had to take into consideration that she could be wrong. Or lying. Or just messing with me. It could also be one of those situations where I had to figure it out for myself, because reasons. I really had no idea.

Do you want to get off me? asked Jenny, still upset.

I was sitting on her with my hands under her shirt. Her wound was healed and overall things had turned out okay for everyone involved (as long as you didnt look too closely at the sexual ramifications).

I think youre being unfair, I said as I got up.

Really? Thanks for the feedback. Ice cold.

She was being completely unreasonable but sometimes you have to let people think things through at their own speed. 

I picked up the spike. Biadet had indicated it was an example of my ability. Did that mean I was the only one who could have used it? Was there some side-effect that would have been detrimental to anyone else holding it when stabbing a dwarf (not a euphemism)? The answer felt close but it was hard to concentrate with Jenny glaring at me.

We dont have time for this, said Laney. I have a monster to defeat. You will hand over command of the combined forces to me.

She had hands on hips and an expression of utter confidence on her face. I wished I could feel like that. About anything.

Laney, no ones going to follow you into battle. Youre a child with no experience and very little common sense. 

There is only one way to settle this, said Laney as she began unbuttoning her jacket. We shall wrestle for it. The winner will lead the fight against the elf. The loser will bend his knee and follow orders. Agreed?

No, not agreed. I was tired of having to deal with so many pointless distractions and Jenny being pissed off was trying my patience. 

What did she mean by untouchable, do you think? I asked, hoping to move past the awkwardness.

I dont know, said Jenny. Maybe it means youre dead inside and cant have honest feelings for other people unless it involves sex with a dwarf.

Kind of specific, although there was probably a website for people with just that problem.

Untouchable certainly didnt refer to my emotions. I might not have been the most emotional person, but I still had the full gamut. Happy, angry, sad. Thats all of them, right? And Jenny was very good at bringing them to the surface.

I wasnt totally oblivious to the way she felt. It didnt matter if she was justified or not, she was upset. She might not even really know why herself. All she had to work with was an unpleasant feeling and nowhere to put it except in my lap.

And that was okay. If you cant shit on the person you love, who can you shit on? Sometimes you just need to be a complete ass to someone just to get it out of your system. It required a little selflessness on the part of the recipient. You have to let them be wrong and not point it out. Which isnt that easy, especially when the usual dynamic is them doing it for you.

Im sorry, I said, careful not to make the mistake of adding but. If Id known it wasnt you, I never would have touched you. Her.

Him, said Jenny.

I swallowed the urge to argue. Pronouns can be so hurtful. Youre still connected to my emotions, arent you? Cant you tell how I feel about you?

Jenny hesitated. Almost there.

Whatever happens between us, I will al

A weight landed on me from behind and I was on the ground, the air knocked out of me. A thin, girly arm (no, not my own) was clamped around my throat, trying to choke me out. I rolled around trying to get Laney off me, but she was stuck to my back with her legs wrapped around my waist.

Yield! Do you yield? she cackled gleefully.

I reached out to Jenny, trying to tag her in. She was much better equipped to deal with this kind of thing but she resolutely kept her arms folded.

I managed to get onto all fours with Laney attached like a tortoise shell. I couldnt breathe. My face was burning hot, my eyes watering so much I couldnt see. Darkness closed in.

Untouchable. Why couldnt Biadet have just told me what it meant? My hand was on Laneys arm. I tried to pull it free but I was too dizzy and her grip was too tight. So, instead, I began healing her. I shoved as much restorative energy into her as I could. If nothing else, perhaps it would cure her of being a lunatic.

The pressure on my throat lessened. Laney fell off me and onto the ground. She rolled onto her back, a scary rictus grin on her face and eyes fully dilated. New weapon, OP Opie, boys.

Thats only going to make her like you more, said Jenny.

What? I said angrily. What is it? I know you cant be this mad about me banging you while you were on a lunch break. So what is it, really?

She looked ready to lay into me, and then her anger crumbled. Her head dropped. I let you down. I saw what he was doing and I didnt stop him. I should have broken free of his control.

Ohhh, I said, relieved. You feel guilty. Thats why youre being so horrible to me. Thats fine then. You dont feel shitty about me, you feel shitty about yourself.

And thats better?

Of course. Guys like insecure women. Its very satisfying making a girl feel better about herself.  Much harder to do when the girls all confident and comfortable in her own body. Dont worry, I dont blame you.

I dont care if you blame me, you fucking idiot, said Jenny, subtly intimating Id missed the point. What if someone comes along who doesnt let you down? What if she can help you when you need her? Youll go off with her and no one would blame you.

So much insecurity, such wow.

Youre cute when youre being dumb, you know? I said, knowing patronising her would only infuriate her more. Your logic is retarded. It doesnt matter if someones better than you. Theres always going to be someone better. More beautiful, smarter, funnier, better at blowjobs. Thats not why I like you. You dont have to be the best, you just have to be you.

Nice work, I thought. Butter her up, make her feel grateful for me allowing her to be with me. Jobs a goodun.

Jenny nodded slowly. Whats wrong with my blowjobs?

Nothing. That wasnt my point. What I

But they could be better, right?

Youre in a burning plane and youre so happy when you find a parachute under your seat, but halfway to the ground you realise youve got somebodys carry-on strapped to your back.

No. You know what Im saying. Theres nothing wrong with your blowjobs, but if someone can perform oral sex while juggling a bowling ball, an electric saw and an egg, then people are obviously going to say, theres a guy who knows how to put on a superior dick sucking performance.

Hmm. I see. You envision this better blowjob coming from a guy.

What? No. I said guy because most jugglers are men. Im not a latent homosexual, Im a sexist twat. There is a difference, you know?

Jenny stepped over Laney, who was still grinning at the sky, and picked up the three gemstones. She held them up like a jeweller inspecting her merchandise. She held two in her fist and held the third up to her face. 

What about you? How did you enjoy being my substitute?

To be honest, said a deep, masculine voice, I found him a gentle and considerate lover.

I wasnt sure if I should be flattered or not.

Interesting, said Jenny. Hes never been gentle with me.

Thats because whenever I try to be gentle with you, you tell me to stop fucking like a pansy. Which, A, is homophobic and, B, means you dont understand how gay sex works. I snatched the gems from her. You three, if I hear a single word about this from any of you, Im throwing you all in the sea. I put them in my pocket. Come here. I grabbed Jennys arm and pulled her into a less exposed part of the roof. 

Are you going to be gentle with me?

No, I said.

I dont know if youve ever had sex on top of a castle, but I dont recommend it. Very drafty.

We left Laney up thereshe seemed happy enoughand found the others stuffing their faces, happy and rested. 

You look terrible, said Claire. You need to get some sleep.

Thanks. Perhaps if everyone wasnt sucking the life out of me I wouldnt be drained of all vitality.

Does anyone know how to juggle? asked Jenny. I need someone to teach me.

I sat down and started eating with my hands. No spoon in sight. Before you turn this into brunch and mojitos, can we try to stop the end of the world? Apparently, my superpower is that Im untouchable. Any ideas what that means?

Flossie leaned across the table with her hand outstretched. She placed it on my face. Ah can touch you.

Yes, I know. If thats what it meant, I wouldnt be asking, would I? 

Flossie poked me in the chest with a finger. Ah can touch you here, too.

I slapped her hand away. Maurice?

Maurice had his notebook out and was flipping through it. Yes, I think I understand.

You do? I tried to keep a lid on my excitement, Id been burned too often.

I think its fate, he said. Fate cant touch you.

Okay, I said. What does that mean?

Ive noticed that whenever you face something that seems inevitable, you manage to avoid it. Not always for something better, but its not what should happen. Two and two doesnt always mean four.

Too vague. I needed a solid, practical example. 

I noticed in in Nekromel, said Maurice. Both you and Yuqi could time travel, but only you could make drastic changes. If you could harness it properly, who knows what you could achieve?

So I can change what happens to suit me? That would be the most OP power ever.

I dont know if you can change it intentionally, you dont seem to control it at the moment, but maybe if you developed the ability, trained it up, then you could, theoretically, force the universe to do what you wanted it to against its will.

Finally, a power worth dressing up in a leotard for. 

I dont understand, said Claire. He can change his destiny?

Not exactly, said Maurice. Sort of, but more like he can change cause and effect. Like if you jumped off a roof, fate would have you hit the ground and die. He can avoid that fate.

So I could fly? It was hard not to get my hopes up. Of course it wouldnt work like that.

I suppose so, said Maurice. Although youd have to practise and you might not survive the training process.

Couldnt he jump off a chair, first? said Claire.

I liked it. I stood on a chair. Fate, I defy you! I jumped and landed on the ground.

Great. I was in possession of the greatest power in the universe. Godlike wouldnt be an understatement. Unfortunately, I had no idea how to turn it on.